Advait part 11 (Non-attchment)

“An effort to detach from suffering is a form of suffering itself.”

Buddha’s entire life effort was to get humanity rid of suffering. And to achieve it, non attachment was the way he showed. Not a relatively new concept, as old as Vedas and creation of trees. Krishna sings it through Bhagwad Gita, ‘Karmanye vyadhikarasthe, ma faleshu kadachana!!!!!” do your karma and be non attached to it’s fruit.
I like the word non attachment, most of us misinterpret it to detachment. Both are no way close to same. To detach is to be attached to the process of detachment thus an effort to detach from suffering is a form of suffering itself.

Abode of Dharma, the goodness, the virtue. A resting place. The name says it all. That’s Dharamshala.
It does feel restful here, in mind and spirit. The valleys of Dharamshala slows you down and makes you notice life. More popular for being home to current Dalai Lama, the little town grew with flow of Buddhists coming from Tibet.

It was 6am when we reached. The little town was waking up. Streets were adorned with colorful paper decorations. Soon we learned it was the Dalai Lama’s birthday tomorrow. Visitors had already occupied most of the town, homes had turned into hotels filled mostly with foreigners.

Gopala smart as he was quickly made friends with some local monks and secured a place for us to stay. 3 km away from the town, a place called Bhagsu, in the center of a mountain which required you to walk all the way down a hill, cross a small stream of water and then climb again to reach there, was a very small but extremely beautiful monastery. Not very far from this place was a Kali temple. Little amused I was but not very surprised with Gopala’s decision, of why he chose a monastery over a temple to abode. A transformation was in the process.

The four monks were very very kind to allow us in their little life bubble. With our matted hair and long beard, saffron clothes and bare feet, no doubt we were genuinely monastic and thus at some deeper level we could connect. They spoke very little but opened their hearts. The meditation room was the largest, compared with one other room they had to sleep. With windows on two sides, it was completely empty with absolutely no furniture. Buddha in his parnirvana stage was in a stone statue at the end of the room, very rare do you see this, as it depicts him lying on a bed with his one hand supporting his head, reflecting moment before he died, symbolizing he too was a mortal.

I felt the impulse to sit and as I did, without any chanting, without any mantras without any prayers, I just closed my eyes and slowly as if caressing my soul, peace engulfed me.

Advait part 10 ( Unfurl )

I never really had friends so gradually became accustomed to myself and liked it more than any body else. Never too good in studies, last one to be chosen in a sports team, too shy with the girls, easy victim to bullies, I was this nice decent kid who no one hated. No wonder I don’t have much childhood memories. Erased subconsciously. Closest I felt that time was to my grandfather. He told me stories, asked me questions and introduced me to spirituality. Although now when I meet him, he seems this whole different person and somehow I feel as if I had an imaginary friend.

At age five I went to a boarding school. It wasn’t that painful, allowed me to like myself, I was being prepared to know the real meaning of detachment. With minimum marks in high school I went to Delhi. There was no way I would have got admission in a regular college so settled for a correspondence course. Dad wanted me to become a chartered accountant so I registered for the course and like a horse blinded by his mask tried to live my narrow life one step after another.

And then one day I fell in love and everything changed. I started to like my self like never before. Life seemed beautiful and my behavior became impulsive, instinctive and erratic. It did good to me, broke my inhibitions but so it was breaking my shell too.

“A heart break is necessary for your growth” I had heard. Now I was experiencing it. She never loved me back or may be she did but I chose not to see it. But why do I not blame her? She never admitted it. And for a long time I didn’t do it either. Like a tortoise I caved in. I liked the feeling of sadness, loneliness and longing. There’s a joy in suffering, I learnt. This addiction was stripping my soul to it’s core.

When no where left to go, you go within. I slowly realized she was just an instrument to my unfolding. True love was yet to come.

A dream was in the process of being dreamt. Winds of change were taking me to America, a place where my stories will take shape……..but till then I was like that boat longing for the sea and yet afraid, yet afraid.

Advait part 9 (Companion)

I would have died if it wasn’t for Gopala. Inquisitive as he was, he followed me when he saw me walking towards the woods. I still felt dizzy; it took me a while to recognize him. The bull was no where to be seen Was it a figment of my imagination? Or was it for real?

I tried to get up but felt quite exhausted. With Gopala’s support I tried getting up again but in vain. He made me sit on a nearby rock, gave water to drink. I could feel the water flow down my throat through my bones as if a clear water stream flowed in a hot desert. I almost finished all his water. I was looking down, somehow feeling guilty, don’t know why, couldn’t look at him in eye. Slowly he came near and tenderly touched my forehead compassionately. That was it. I broke down and cried profusely. I wept, slowly at first then loudly, just like when I was a child, without any inhibitions. Gopala didn’t make any effort to console me, he stood there with his eyes closed with his hands still on my forehead.

Like the peace after the storm, I too felt calm after crying. Gopala sat next to me and then after a long silence he slowly said:
“My father is a head priest of a big temple in Orissa. Like most fathers he too wanted me to live his unfulfilled dream. I know Vedas by heart, Sanskrit Shlokas is my first language, debate with me in any topic and I can speak for hours. But is that all to knowledge? The true knowledge? The supreme truth? With my mind full of texts and heart empty of experience, I too left it all one day and joined this pilgrimage. When I saw you for the first time, I saw the same longing, same detachment and same desire for search. Tell me my friend, did you find what you were looking for?”

I carefully looked at him and suddenly he felt a whole different Gopala, he looked mature and wiser. “I wish I knew what I want”, I softly replied.

“The better it is,” he chuckled. “At least you don’t have to go through the process of being empty.”

He then got up and suggestively asked: “I am going to visit Dharamshala, a Buddhist town up north. Would you like to join me? Heard the Dalai Lama is also there at this time of the year.”

“Aren’t you going back to the group?” Immediately I regretted asking this question as I guessed what was coming.

“We have left them long back” He said with a smile.

Advait part 8 (Source)

I felt naked, standing before the entire auditorium filled with people. It was screening of my first film. Never felt so uncomfortable, vulnerable, or anxious. Knowing that everybody will now know me, will know my insecurities, my fear, my love, my passion and my truth through my film. There was no escape.

I always liked the Zen approach to the filmmaking. Living and discovering the moment as you go. Like a sculptor, who finds a mass of stone, feels it, caresses it and takes it’s permission to make sure it was ready to take the shape of his dream. He doesn’t know what he is going to make but allows the creation to reveal itself, with every stroke. Now same happened with me in making the film or writing this story. Sometimes obscure when I am not in tune with myself, but mostly gratifying when it naturally flows as if waiting to be born. Recently I have been thinking too much thus blocking the energy flow and result to which the breakdown happened. Like an internal disease you don’t realize it till it is quite late. Heart feels the symptoms but mind refuses to accept it and finds another excuse not to see it till it becomes so evident that there’s no other option but to cut it off.

Body covered in ashes, hair grown long and matted, beard covering most of the face accept my two lonely searching eyes. It was easy to become a Sadhu, all you needed was an appearance. Longing still felt, attachment was still there, sense of pride still existed, just the appearance changed and this itself was the biggest obstacle in my search.

We had started towards our final journey, to the source from where Ganga emerged. I had quite lost interest by now and it just felt going to another tourist spot. Mind divided again yet feet kept walking. Gopala had sensed my restlessness, the way he smiled gave it all, yet he never intervened.

Gangotri, the divine place, a small heaven it was. Felt the cold clear water of Ganga on my face and my entire being got cleansed. Sat on it’s bank, meditated, slept, stared, slept again and then again meditated. On the third day, with the first ray of sun, I got up and walked towards the woods as if guided by an inner force. Not for a moment did I look back at my sleeping friends. When reached deep in the woods, with no trace of any existing path, I suddenly stopped. Right in front of me, not more than 200 meters away, partially hidden in the bushes, was a majestic, beautiful Bull. It stared right at me, unmoving and I did the same to him. After moments which felt like ages, my body became limp, my eyes drooped and I felt completely drained and exhausted. I tried to keep my eyes open but in vain, my head spinning, my knees week I was about to fall in the ground when for a flash of a moment I saw the bull open its mouth, as if it smiled and then I fell down and everything went dark.

Advait part 7 (Circle)

First step like always is most difficult...Life tests your soul to make sure if you are ready for the journey.

Clearly it was not easy for me either. Walking for miles, sleeping on pavements, begging for food and doing almost everything, which a homeless beggar would do. Yet there was something significantly distinct about our group. There was bhakti, an enthusiastic devotion for lord Shiva, who is the supreme destroyer. Day and night we would sing, chant and dance as we went along. Smoking pot was considered as Prasad, so no wonder most of the time we were high and thought that rest of the world as maya. After many nights and many days, we reached ‘Haridwar’, an ancient Hindu city where Ganga emerges from himalayas. We decided to stay in this city for few days before we proceeded further.
Getting food and shelter was never a problem for us, being a Sadhu is a privilege in India and most of the time we are offered food by people who are starving themselves. Was it love for dharma or fear of sin, which drew the masses to these temples? Temples, which meant a structure reserved for religious or spiritual activities, or house of gods had become more of a market place and the pundits its businessmen. There was a fee for everything, the deeper your pockets the better was your relationship with the gods.
I had started to get anxious looking at this state where everybody followed each other like sheep without making an effort to really know the meaning of what they were doing. When I thought about it, it struck me suddenly that wasn’t I doing the same thing, what was I looking for? Why was I following?
Answer which came from within was, “May be to find the reason to what to look for and what to follow?”
But are these Sadhus also looking for what I am searching?
No! they have dedicated their life to Shiva and they are just roaming.
But what for? There has to be a reason? No one does nothing without a reason.
Their cause itself is a reason, their devotion is their way of life.
It makes no sense, I have to find a meaning to my life and this all seems like a circle. And I felt stuck in the same web of life.

Advait part 6 (The River)

Did I always wanted to do this? or was it another escape another illusion ? One thing for sure, my heart longed for it. What lies deep within somehow manifest through our actions. After my Diksha I was accepted in the group, two days from now we’ll be leaving Varanasi and proceeding towards the origin of river Ganga, in the Himalayas. I suddenly felt lighter, in body and spirit. For long I have been trying hard to make my life work, now I wanted to let it flow. It was my first lesson from the river.

I know I am not a bad person, nobody is. In root we are all divine, yet I know I have caused grief to people who loved me, maybe still causing now with my sudden disappearance. Ever wonder if you could see you own death? Creating a void and witness how others react to it. Who would really miss me? My wife who had long left me tired of my eccentric ness, how would she react? I am sure she must have known about it by now. Another escape or self-indulgence of my narcissist behavior, she must be thinking.

Live you must, right or wrong, who knows? Who decides? There’s no strength to justify my actions. I accept. I am.

It wasn’t that difficult to fit in this new world of renunciates. I could sense their skepticism yet no body bothered me. Nine are the Avtaras of Vishnu and nine are us in the group. Lead by Baba, the eldest one and followed by Gopala the youngest and most restless one. Most of them were quite old and usually lost in their own world of singing, chanting and smoking. Gopala, with mischievous little eyes, short height, plump face, barely in his twenties, was curious and I knew he paid special attention to me. Today in the temple it was he who got food for me when I couldn’t gather courage to go and ask from the devotees who distributed in a celebration of fulfillment of a desire.
“Not everybody has the opportunity to give so bless him by receiving.” Said Gopala. I was pleasantly surprised. He came out to be wiser than I thought. With thankfulness I accepted and we ate in silence.
“So what do you search for?” Gopala broke the silence in an attempt to be familiar.
“Do we all not search for the same thing ?” I smiled
“what? Enlightenment?”
“If that is what you want to call it?”
“Hmmm munde munde matir bhinna”
“Whats that?”
“Various heads various ideas.”
We both laughed. I after ages. It felt good.

On the third day, when the moon was full, city was asleep. We nine started our journey towards the north.
Like river, I knew, let it go, let it flow, life knows.

Advait part 5 (The Burning Ghat)

After the customary bath in Ganga, I proceeded towards the holiest of holy temple in Banaras. Passing through the narrow lanes, filled with small shopkeepers, sadhus and cows I finally reached the ancient Shiva temple.

The moment I entered the temple premises, something happened, something profound, my heart skipped a beat….I immediately felt I knew this place although I was visiting it for the first time, it felt familiar, it felt known, it felt Home. I felt weak in my knees but something powerful was pulling me towards the inner temple. I obeyed. Thoughtless I walked through the corridors as if I had walked here thousands of times, straight I reached to inner sanctum where Shivling was. The mere glimpse of it made my eyes closed, my lips murmured the Shiva mantra and some more Sanskrit shlokas unknown to me. I lost track of time and place, my eyes felt heavy but my body felt like a dry leaf falling from a tree. A ray of light pierced my heart, illuminating my mind body and soul.

By the time I came out of temple, my heart had already made a decision. I felt determined and there was no trace of insecurity or doubt. In a small restaurant I had my lunch in peace.

Evening came and I sat on the ghat steps watching evening aarti mesmerized. Very rare you see a river being worshipped. Till late I sat there watching the lamps floating in the water. It was time to let go. Slowly sleep took over me and after years of restless nights I finally dreamt. A beautiful tomorrow.

At 5 in the morning, In manikarnika ghat where people die and body is burned, my soul is reborn. Head shaved, my clothes burn with my hair. My belongings given to the pundits. I decided to take a pilgrimage with other sadhus to do a parikrama of ganga.

Kashi, next to a river, in water, where it all begins and all end, my new life enfolds.