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Towards light

2011-10-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

First step is always difficult yet very beautiful. It's a pure moment, untouched, unlived, unexpected. You will be vulnerable and thats what will make you come alive. Like the first love, there's always fear of rejection yet there's a possibility of something magical to blossom. That hope, that longing for that one single moment of coming together, with your beloved, with yourself is enough for the moth to sacrifice itself in the fire. That first step is always worth it...

Advait part 23 ( Swagyan)

2011-08-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

‘Love’ is all there is, I learned. Two years had passed and I felt my heart opening up. All my life I tried to run, tried to run away from my life and thus leaving so many loved ones behind. Acceptance comes from within, whole you are when you cease to become and just be. I am you and you are me, I felt this from a deep place within. Tell me your story and in it you will find mine. I looked up, gazing at the sky, feeling the water drops on my face as it stirred my soul..slowly I murmured..I found you at last, my life, my inspiration, my swagyan. You are therefore I am.

Fear makes you alive..

2010-04-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

I like my life... I wondered. who would have thought following your dreams would take you here. They always scare you, scare you of being crushed by reality of our imaginations, they scare you I thought, because they too are afraid, afraid of accepting who they are. A famous writer once said "fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself", so let me suffer with joy, I reminded myself.

I liked my life... because everyday would hold little mysteries for me, people I met or things I did. Everything was so unpredictable and yet arranged so synchronically. Every moment I unwrapped, I found a little gift inside.

I liked my life... sometimes so much that it would really make me afraid, afraid of illusions I have built around me but then heart responds, isn't everything an illusion and aren't we creating our own world where we live ?

and yet again I am reminded of the poem I read in my class " To put meaning in one's life may end in madness, But life without meaning is the torture of restlessness and vague desire"

So I continue to like my life with it's fears and desires because thats what makes me alive...

you can always become a shepherd again....

2010-03-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

"I won't go" said Mahavira to his mother and yet she lost him in her magnificent castle.
A bird in a cage with open doors is yet hesitant to fly.
The flower which gives fragrance to all belongs to none.
Lights the sky, the little twinkling star, yet all by herself in the crowd.
"Dream a dream" coaxed the old king, "you can always become a shepherd again.

A boat longing for the sea...

2010-03-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

Photo courtsey: Nancy Poucher

I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me—

A boat with a sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination but my life.

For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;

Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;

Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny, wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture of restlessness and vague desire—

- George Gray

Note: During my film course in US, my acting teacher Karen Hirst asked me to read this monologue by George Gray. It's a poem depicting a man who reminisces his unlived life. To reflect it he engraves a picture of a boat tied in a shore in his gravestone.

Now after so many years I came across this poem and couldn't help but reflect my own life, partly afraid and partly alive :)

The foolish human heart

2009-11-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from 'The Postmaster' by Rabindranath Tagore:

He felt a deep pain in his heart. The grief stricken face of a mere village girl seemed to express a great, mute heartache pervading the whole world. For once he wished ardently to go back and bring along with him that orphan girl abandoned by the world. But already the wind had filled the sails, the river of the rainy season was flowing swiftly, the village had been left behind, and the cremation ground on the riverbank had come into view. In the pensive heart of the traveler, floating along the current of the river, there arose the reflection that there were so many separations, so many deaths like this in life. What was the point of going back? Nobody belonged to anybody on this earth.
But no such philosophy dawned on Ratan. She was going round the post office building with eyes flooded with tears. Perhaps she had a faint hope that Dadababu might come back. This made it impossible for her to go away.
Oh the foolish human heart! Illusion is hard to dispel and it takes very long for rules of logic to enter the head. Even strong evidence is disbelieved and a false hope is desperately embraced in one's heart. When at last one day it runs away, severing all the artities and draining the heart's blood, then one comes around and the heart longs to be again entangled in another snare of delusion.

Happy Birthday

2009-08-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

And I finally turn 30 :) This moment that I was dreading most now turns out to be the most beautiful. What better gift to myself than being in Ahmedabad. A long time dream come true. It’s almost been two months here and never for a moment I asked my purpose. It felt a calling, natural and destined. It made me complete. The start it self was auspicious with getting a beautiful 3 bedroom apartment as a gift from a complete stranger (Now an elder brother). Somebody had once helped Dakshesh Bhai when his vehicle broke down in highway and now he is paying it forward in so many different ways.
Like sugar in water, instantly we were dissolved and accepted by the Manav Sadhna family. It felt belonged. Their simplicity and hearts full of love humbled me and slowly I found myself opening to love again. People said I was glowing and I too felt I was smiling a lot. Compassion was in the air. Doing small things seemed meaningful. Together we cleaned bus stops and in the process cleaned ourselves, together we watched inspiring films in seva café and learnt to see goodness in all and together we meditated on wednesdays through which we went within. Unlearning was fun and being human again felt alive.

I realized the smallness of me when I saw the invisible everyday heroes around and yet I saw the divine in me with potential of infinite love and capacity to serve.
Words of king echoed “everybody can be great because everybody can serve”.

Life is indeed beautiful :)

[Young Screen Entrepreneurs Presentation, British Council, Mumbai- 30th July'08]

2009-03-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

MAM Movies
Making the world more beautiful, one story at a time

Namaste: In India, when we meet and greet and we say "Namaste", which means: I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides, I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace. I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us. --Ram Dass

My name is Madhusudan and Today I would like to share with you my personal journey and hope in that process we can all connect in global oneness.

My Personal Journey began with my graduation from Academy of art university in San Francisco California. I had a major in Motion pictures and television. While I was there I made films from a church to strippers, from documentaries to a narrative features but yet something was incomplete, there was an emptiness and I felt the desire to come back and find my stories.

With a backpack and a donated camera I came back to India and started traveling. Stayed with Himalayan yogis to modern teachers, but the turning point came when I was making a film on one of the last active disciple of Mahatma Gandhi, Dwarko Sundarani ji.
He runs a school for the children of untouchable caste in rural Bihar, India. I stayed with him for 2 months and while leaving I touched his feet and asked his permission to go. And that's when he asked me "Ok Madhu what are you going to do now, I didn't understand for a moment , and then he said , find your truth through whatever you do.
Filmmaking is just an instrument , realize your true goal.

This blessing later gave birth to MAM

MAM, which means 'I Am' in Sanskrit, for us it personifies the soul, the brahman. Our foundation was personal change. We had to be the change we wished to see, as Gandhiji said.
A bunch of naïve, passionate young People got together and we asked ourselves, do we see a need to exist, is the media industry we have completely perfect or is there something we can transform, something we can contribute, something we can change.

There was clearly a need of engagement of youth in creating Media for social change.

In 2006 Times magazine person of the year was 'you', now our effort was to harness this energy and direct it towards creating engaging cinema and sensitive filmmakers.

1. Harness the power of technology: Internet, you tube and individual potential.

2. Engage youth, students & corporates in creating inspiring media

3. Social Branding: invite corporates to participate in creating social cinema with commercial value, as part of their CSR program.

We rolled our sleeves and our social experiment began.

• 1st step create a community of visionaries, rebels and mavericks. Collective Chaos we called it.
Me and my wife, with our computer and a borrowed table started in a small room, 2 years later it evolved to 5 fulltime members, 20 active volunteers and more than 2000 online members with an average 1 lakh online visitors per month.

• 2nd Create a support system with a self sustaining model
Jump and the net would appear, says the old zen quote and we did it.
But the zen master wasn't there to cushion our fall. We hit the ground, were severely tested, stumbled on roadblocks, bruised ourselves but in the meantime it strengthen our souls. And when we were about to give up, we came across another visionary, Mr.Nachiket Mor from ICICI foundation, who said good ideas will have a life of its own. With his help we were able to create a resource center through which we could invite independent filmmakers to create short documentaries and videos for social causes for a very reasonable budget. Universe was conspiring to make our dreams come true.

• 3rd step , Create opportunities and event to engage them.

Our mantra: make a film, make a difference
Our first effort: Genesis film project, a film competition held in Mumbai where we invited 101 filmmakers to make films for 101 NGO's in just 101 Hours.
It was an instant hit, with more than 300 filmmakers participating, we got 90 films on time and which motivated us to do it every year.

Then we launched a project called 'She Creates' , where we invited 25 girls from various backgrounds, from Dharavi slums, to children rescued from streets to some of them from public schools. Bought them together, gave them film workshop and in just 21 days these children made some heart warming films on women issues, gender inequality and female feticide. Best part, these girls were just 10-15years old and most of them were without any formal education.

These girls now have become citizen journalist, they have formed a video community within their own organization and make short videos about local stories and share it among the community. We hired one girl as teacher who goes back and helps create various other video communities. One story which reflected the immediate impact of this was of Salma, who wasn't getting her ration card without a bribe, but when she went to the office with a video camera and questioned the officer in charge ,within one week she had her card.

These projects were awakening for us, we truly realized the power of videos and power of One.

Our next step is to create a ripple effect, to engage students, corporate and individuals, to inspire them to create participatory media and video communities throughout India. So that every organization could be able to have a voice and tell their story through videos which would be then connected globally through internet television.

I recently met a remarkable prof. Prof Anil Gupta from IIM Ahmedabad, who asked me, Madhu what's you dream. Now Before I could reply, he said what's your dream for next 200 years, what's your dream for next 2000 years. Dream so big he continued that you look very small before your dreams.

So in this moment when we realize that we are all here for a reason and what we do today won't be meaningless, I take the opportunity and make a humble effort to share some of our dreams.

I dream of a group of people who will work together to use the medium of art & cinema for the upliftment of humanity…

I dream of a support system for such group of people with the principles of social entrepreneurship…

I dream to have a new media industry with more citizen journalists who will empower themselves and their communities through videos…

I know these dreams may seem difficult but yet something within tells me:

"We are never given a dream with out the power to make it come true."

Namaste

One Notch up

2009-02-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

“Tan samarpit, man samarpit, chahta hoon mere desh ki dharti tujhe kuch aur bhi doon”

Had read this poem, when I was a child. Now after many years I resonate with it’s meaning.
Just came back from a week of pilgrimage with Jayesh bhai and Nipun. Traveled to Kutch, stayed with some of the poorest of the poor. When you receive from someone who has so little, your heart goes numb with humility and awe. Why then you ask yourself, the reason for holding back. The graves don’t have pockets, leave we back all our possessions yet the tremendous desire to hold on to our fears, insecurity and possessions. Time to break free now I realize, time to let go now I feel. Take one notch up in Nipun’s words.
How would it be to run a gift economy organization. We will be generosity entrepreneurs. How would it run you will ask. Just like any other organization in terms of governance, accountability and projects. So what the difference?, mind intervenes. We wont ‘ASK’. We work with what is offered to us, with whatever resources we have, in short no fundraising, no brand building and no strings attached.
We must be out of our mind, how on earth will you sustain?
And the answer comes straight from the heart, ‘with trust’. Universe will manifest it if it sees a need in it. You got to jump, you got to let go.
Meghna went for 10 day silence on 30th Jan, the death anniversary of Gandhiji. The same day heart made this decision. It feels right, it feels honest, the first step towards complete samarpan :)

Shepherd

2009-01-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

Pic credit

"I won't go" said Mahavira to his mother and yet she lost him in her magnificent castle.
The bird in a cage with open doors is yet hesitant to fly.
The flower which gives fragrance to all belongs to none.
Lights the sky, the little twinkling star, all by herself in the crowd
"Dream a dream" coaxed the old king, "you can always become a shephard again."

Advait part 22 (Back to River)

2009-01-24T08:30:00.000-08:00

Pic Credit

Ashram of the Mahatma, next to the river was now my new home. Hasmukh Bhai they called me. I seldom spoke however surprisingly always had this little smile floating on my lips. My happiness within glowed in my face and thus I got the name smiling man. It was a home for everyone. From a 10 year old who had run away from his house to 60 year old who was forced to leave his. There was food for everyone, like Draupadi’s utensil blessed by the blue-eyed god, the kitchen flowed in abundance, never letting anyone go hungry. Children from streets, learned how to make sustainable living, youth who had once lost direction found a way to give a voice to their restless energy and elders found joy in living again through service. The place thrived in giving.

Although there were rooms and a big hall for pilgrims, I chose to sleep under a tree, next to mother river. I had come to learn how to listen to her and indeed she talked to me and soothed my heart. “Like all this too shall pass”, she had told me once “yet surrender your self as you flow” she told me now.

Joy is in service

Advait part 21 (The open road )

2009-01-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

Once, don’t remember how old I was, may be 13, I tried to run away from my home. Probably it was evening when I left on my little red bicycle. Sun hadn’t set yet and soon after riding two kms out side my village, I felt tired. I stopped for a while, sat on a small bridge and tried to reason with myself why I was doing what I was doing. Where would I go? what would I do? First option, which always came was Haridwar, A small holy pilgrim town up north. Although wasn’t sure on what I would do so gave up on my first attempt of renunciation. Who knew I would finally take the leap in the fourth stage of my life.
Some one said beautifully, “we are not human beings on a spiritual journey but we are the spiritual beings on a human journey”.

Advait Part 20 ( proving our existence)

2009-01-04T03:04:00.000-08:00

Why this tremendous urge to express? I use to ask myself while I lived like a filmmaker. God was infected with the same desire as well. He manifested himself through his creation of universe. Every word I wrote in my stories, every frame I shot through my camera and every character I created reflected myself, same as how we reflect the god, whose ultimate creation are we. The parts I played in this journey, from a filmmaker to an ascetic to a beggar I lived his show. “Selfish you are” they accused me. Why are you not I wondered back. The desire to prove that we have the power to create, I think is worthless. For we have already created and been created by all.

Advait Part19 (Withering of the rose)

2008-12-20T02:14:00.000-08:00

Wonder, do you ever what life beholds for you? Like a child we make our plans, grandeur in its nature, and like a child, destiny plays with it. It laughs as it looks down upon us, busy we with our busyness.

Being a beggar now all I had was time and time to ponder and think and think again. I found joy in nothingness and liberated did I feel with no burden of the world. Running away from my responsibility you can accuse, but who are we really responsible to is now what I thought. Like an onion we can peal layer after layer and yet find nothing or like a rose spread fragrance as we wither to our end.

Search for meaning of life is a vain; Meaning is to continue the search for life. To be so alive that we feel our feeling to it’s core. Love, hatred, jealousy, anger, compassion, passion and lust, all like a wind pass through us yet without making us their home. And when all the dust has settled and ripples cease to be created, in that silence of the pond, our true nature emerges. To be the vessel, to be an instrument and to be the river which quenches the thirst of all it touches.

Blossom

2008-11-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us
We ask ourselves, "Who am *I* to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Martin Luther king

A silent Birthday

2008-09-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

29 was his age when he left his house in search of bodhisattva and 29 turned I during my last day of silence in vipassana meditation’s 10 day retreat. Surrounded by vast mountains and covered with mystic trees, the center in Igatpuri was indeed beautiful. The day usually started at 4 am followed by several hours of meditation. Learning the ancient technique to go within through realization of our own breath and energy was a powerful experience. Dharma in its purest form revealed itself and truly I felt its implementation in every day’s life. Change was internal and there lied the beauty after the course, friends and family hoped I would sound different, act different and different would be my behavior but I knew deep down something was transformed, something was healed and changed I was forever.

A face appeared smilingly in the distant mountains as the sun was setting, I was walking in peace during a small break just before my evening mediation. Suddenly, as if to surprise me, for a brief moment the sun shone directly at me glowing my face, a soft breeze flowed caressing my cheeks and the cypress trees nearby danced in joy singing together with the mother nature. Imagination maybe it was but I indeed felt in tune with every atom in that moment and smiling to myself I took a bow in gratitude.

Universe has its ways of celebrating your birthday :)

Advait Part 18 (Service)

2008-08-08T05:49:00.000-07:00

“Believe in something bigger than yourself” My heart told me and led me to the land of service, Ahmedabad.
Next to a river, sitting in a mud house, spinning his wheel, a Mahatma had bought a revolution, 75 years ago without even raising his finger. Who would have thought, love, truth and compassion would become the weapon of mass construction.

Harikripa bought me to the Manav Sadhna Centre, in the Gandhi Ashram. “Their name means, worship the mankind” he explained “and truly the god, lives in their heart”. Celebration of humanity is what I experienced here. Poor, who I had thought, were much richer in spirit and suffered they, who had more.

Where do you find the strength to serve? I asked Jayesh Bhai, a living karma yogi.
“Love is all you need” he said with a smile, thus echoing the words of my wife.
What’s my karma?
To be true to yourself
How can I make a difference?
Search for your truth through whatever you do.

Shook me these words, to my core. I realized yet again, like various streams we connect to the same source.

Universe had it’s ways to communicate.

Prayer

2008-07-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

We are human beings, lord, and we do not know our own greatness. Lord, give us the humility to ask for what we need, because no desire is vain and no request is futile. Each of us knows how best to feed our own soul; give us the courage to see our desires as coming from the fountain of your eternal wisdom. Only by accepting our desires can we begin to understand who we are.

Lord, Help me understand that all the good things in life that happen to me do so because I deserve them. Help me understand thats what moves me to seek out your truth is the same force that moved the saints, and the doubts I have are the same doubts that the saints had, and my frailities are the same frailities. Help me to be humble enough to accept that I am no different from other people.

Amen

[ Excerpt from: Brida- Paulo Coelho ]

Advait part 17 ( Give & Recieve)

2008-07-11T05:22:00.000-07:00

Why do we need to give?

Without it you’ll perish, said the old beggar.

The trees, the clouds, the earth, the river and every living beings know…to flow is to be alive.

If everyone gives, who will receive? I asked

Isn’t the giver the ultimate receiver? He asked back.

Who is bigger among the two?

There is no two?

How to find who is worthy and who to give?

If he is worthy to live, he is worthy to give and receive.

His name was Harikripa, which meant, blessed by gods. I stayed with him for several months in streets. Though beggar he was he taught me biggest lessons on giving. Together we begged and together we gave.

Everyone gives what he has, he told me. An artist gives his art, a saint his blessings, a teacher his knowledge and we the opportunity to give.

And then he said something which immediately reminded me of what Gopala had said in the temple, long time ago

Blessed are they who receive with grace..

Advait part 16 (My kamala)

2008-07-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

Pic by Sushma Sabnis

I missed her today.

The myth says you always look for your better half. But what if you do get it and don’t realize it?

Once under the star lit sky, in Maya’s arms, just after we had made love, I slowly whispered in her ears as I caressed her breasts.
"What do you think brings me to you, the love or the absence of it?"
"Both", she said with a smile and then gave me a long passionate kiss but before I could savor it she pulled out and looking directly into my eyes, she said: "you too like me can never love."

Like her name she was always elusive and mysterious her thoughts were.

Doesn’t it bother, that I am married and could never be yours?
I could feel her body tense, yet without showing any reaction, still caressing my hair she replied: "Forever we belong to none….and like all you too will pass."

There was tenderness in her voice yet aloofness in her heart. Wonder for a moment, I did, did she ever really love me? Or was it just a longing with a mask?

My detachment with my life, my loved ones, my work and my wife led me to this void.
And here I was trying to fill it with another void.

I missed her today because unlike Maya, she always said all there is…is love…and I believed her. Yet deep down I knew, Forever we belong to none….and like all this too shall pass.

Advait Part 15 (Leap)

2008-06-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

Never before did I felt silence was more meaning full, never before did I felt more convinced and never before did I felt the longing to accept anyone as my Guru. He seemed complete, full circle, Advaita which Shankara spoke about. Yet that completeness in itself seemed incomplete.

How could he possibly make me experience the longings of his heart, stones which crossed his bare feet, desire which engulfed in his deepest meditation, and wisdom nature taught him. I could learn all the shashtras from him, I could learn how the world was formed, existed and will be destroyed from him, and I am sure I could also learn the various mystical ways which dazzles the mind.
But then how could he possibly share how it would feel to caress a woman you truly love, How it would feel when heart is rejected of love, how it would feel when senses take over the reasons of existence. Human nature, although most complicated in its form is still the most beautiful with its vulnerable features.

Never again I thought then, will I see from any body else’s eyes, never again I promised then will take a road made for other, never again I decided then will allow anyone to be my guru.

I discarded my saffron clothes, tore them with a zest, plunged into a near flowing river and screamed with joy.

Here I come, leaping into the infinite existence of your creation

Life…..embrace me for from today I will dream my own dreams.

Advait part 14 (Seeking)

2008-06-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

“Don’t leave me,” he almost cried. “Together we came so far”

“ You have already left me my dearest Gopal, just like the ascetics in the past.

But convince me with a reason, isn’t it his teaching without any bondage?

Reason is the toy mind plays with, how would you convince a heart ?

But isn’t the true knowledge you too seek, for which you deserted all ?

It’s the seeking only which will quench my thirst, rest all will divide me apart.

Advait part 13 (Separation)

2008-06-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

“Today, on ides of March, a day when Caesar was slayed by his closest friend Brutus, we make a pact that separated we will never be, together we will go to United States and forever our friendship will be.”

Written on a piece of paper it was our testimonial for years to come which was none the less wither with time and remain as memories in our heart.
Together since the first day in boarding school, when our maids used to bathe us, naked. Together since the first time I had an infatuation on an Assamese girl and to impress who I gave a chick.
Together since when we got our hands on first issue of Debonair.
And together since when we were bullied to death by our classmates.

Ananda his name was, and joy he bought to my heart. Closer than a brother which I never had. Even our names rhymed so did our dreams.
“I want to be a teacher” he used to say, “and to the world one day I will teach”
“I want to be a preacher” I would add, "and the world will listen one day to what I preach”
Naive we were like everyone our age, alone we were like everyone in their hearts.

When the stars lit the skies, we looked out from our windows, lying on our beds, next to each other in the room of thirty. We would slowly whisper, “ One day….one day….it will all come together”.

School ended, college started and our path always crossed and together we did go to United States.

But as fate had it, the best of dreams do get broken because in it lies the secret of our hearts.

Without any reason, without any complains, without any fights and without any emotion….we parted on different paths.

And yet today when I look up into the sky, I can’t help but murmur to myself…."one day…one day…it will all come together”.

Advait part 12 ( Surrender)

2008-05-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

Asa…. Nisi…. Masa….

Very softly the magician muttered these words in Guido’s ears.

We go a long way in our lives from where we begin. There comes a point when reality takes over imagination and we need to go back to the source.

Go within the magician said. Go within.

It was late evening when my eyes opened. My entire being felt relaxed. I could feel the smile on my lips as if they had read my mind and danced in anticipation.

Gopala was sitting outside on a rock, gazing at the hills. He didn’t turn to look at me when I slowly walked towards him and sat down. We both sat in silence in nothingness. I could feel the change in Gopala’s breathing and waited when he would share his turmoil.
After moments, this time looking directly in to my eyes, he took my hand in his hand and said earnestly“ Dear, I have decided to pursue the light as shown by Mahabodhi. I feel the thirst to gain the abundance of knowledge left by him. Tomorrow in the auspicious day of birth of one of his incarnations, lets walk this path together.”

Far away in the hills we could hear the sound of bells coming from Kali temple. Evening prayers were in process. Oil lamps placed outside was illuminating in the darkness.

Next day started with the loud chanting in the monastery and a heavy rainfall. Sound of which felt as if competing with each other. Nonetheless excitement was in the air. Our monk friends were clearly in a very happy mood. Very early, just after their prayers and our baths we left immediately for the main temple which was about 4kms. The temple of the spiritual leader His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

The temple had an open courtyard where we together with hundreds of people, who with an amazing zeal and enthusiasm filled in their hearts, getting drenched in the rain, prayers in their lips, waited patiently for their teacher.

And not long enough when the Tibetan artists and performers announced the arrival of the so anxiously awaited guest. First glimpse of him and I was in a bliss. His face radiated with pure love and compassion. With a childlike smile he walked at ease waving at everyone and once in a while stopped and greeted elderly and children. As if time had stopped when he walked past us, and for a fraction of a moment I felt our eyes met and he smiled. Never before I was so enchanted, never before I was so captivated, never before I had felt a presence of a true teacher.

My heart opened to surrender.

Advait part 11 (Non-attchment)

2008-05-18T00:59:00.000-07:00

“An effort to detach from suffering is a form of suffering itself.”

Buddha’s entire life effort was to get humanity rid of suffering. And to achieve it, non attachment was the way he showed. Not a relatively new concept, as old as Vedas and creation of trees. Krishna sings it through Bhagwad Gita, ‘Karmanye vyadhikarasthe, ma faleshu kadachana!!!!!” do your karma and be non attached to it’s fruit.
I like the word non attachment, most of us misinterpret it to detachment. Both are no way close to same. To detach is to be attached to the process of detachment thus an effort to detach from suffering is a form of suffering itself.

Abode of Dharma, the goodness, the virtue. A resting place. The name says it all. That’s Dharamshala.
It does feel restful here, in mind and spirit. The valleys of Dharamshala slows you down and makes you notice life. More popular for being home to current Dalai Lama, the little town grew with flow of Buddhists coming from Tibet.

It was 6am when we reached. The little town was waking up. Streets were adorned with colorful paper decorations. Soon we learned it was the Dalai Lama’s birthday tomorrow. Visitors had already occupied most of the town, homes had turned into hotels filled mostly with foreigners.

Gopala smart as he was quickly made friends with some local monks and secured a place for us to stay. 3 km away from the town, a place called Bhagsu, in the center of a mountain which required you to walk all the way down a hill, cross a small stream of water and then climb again to reach there, was a very small but extremely beautiful monastery. Not very far from this place was a Kali temple. Little amused I was but not very surprised with Gopala’s decision, of why he chose a monastery over a temple to abode. A transformation was in the process.

The four monks were very very kind to allow us in their little life bubble. With our matted hair and long beard, saffron clothes and bare feet, no doubt we were genuinely monastic and thus at some deeper level we could connect. They spoke very little but opened their hearts. The meditation room was the largest, compared with one other room they had to sleep. With windows on two sides, it was completely empty with absolutely no furniture. Buddha in his parnirvana stage was in a stone statue at the end of the room, very rare do you see this, as it depicts him lying on a bed with his one hand supporting his head, reflecting moment before he died, symbolizing he too was a mortal.

I felt the impulse to sit and as I did, without any chanting, without any mantras without any prayers, I just closed my eyes and slowly as if caressing my soul, peace engulfed me.

Advait part 10 ( Unfurl )

2008-04-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

I never really had friends so gradually became accustomed to myself and liked it more than any body else. Never too good in studies, last one to be chosen in a sports team, too shy with the girls, easy victim to bullies, I was this nice decent kid who no one hated. No wonder I don’t have much childhood memories. Erased subconsciously. Closest I felt that time was to my grandfather. He told me stories, asked me questions and introduced me to spirituality. Although now when I meet him, he seems this whole different person and somehow I feel as if I had an imaginary friend.

At age five I went to a boarding school. It wasn’t that painful, allowed me to like myself, I was being prepared to know the real meaning of detachment. With minimum marks in high school I went to Delhi. There was no way I would have got admission in a regular college so settled for a correspondence course. Dad wanted me to become a chartered accountant so I registered for the course and like a horse blinded by his mask tried to live my narrow life one step after another.

And then one day I fell in love and everything changed. I started to like my self like never before. Life seemed beautiful and my behavior became impulsive, instinctive and erratic. It did good to me, broke my inhibitions but so it was breaking my shell too.

“A heart break is necessary for your growth” I had heard. Now I was experiencing it. She never loved me back or may be she did but I chose not to see it. But why do I not blame her? She never admitted it. And for a long time I didn’t do it either. Like a tortoise I caved in. I liked the feeling of sadness, loneliness and longing. There’s a joy in suffering, I learnt. This addiction was stripping my soul to it’s core.

When no where left to go, you go within. I slowly realized she was just an instrument to my unfolding. True love was yet to come.

A dream was in the process of being dreamt. Winds of change were taking me to America, a place where my stories will take shape……..but till then I was like that boat longing for the sea and yet afraid, yet afraid.

Advait part 9 (Companion)

2008-04-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

I would have died if it wasn’t for Gopala. Inquisitive as he was, he followed me when he saw me walking towards the woods. I still felt dizzy; it took me a while to recognize him. The bull was no where to be seen Was it a figment of my imagination? Or was it for real?

I tried to get up but felt quite exhausted. With Gopala’s support I tried getting up again but in vain. He made me sit on a nearby rock, gave water to drink. I could feel the water flow down my throat through my bones as if a clear water stream flowed in a hot desert. I almost finished all his water. I was looking down, somehow feeling guilty, don’t know why, couldn’t look at him in eye. Slowly he came near and tenderly touched my forehead compassionately. That was it. I broke down and cried profusely. I wept, slowly at first then loudly, just like when I was a child, without any inhibitions. Gopala didn’t make any effort to console me, he stood there with his eyes closed with his hands still on my forehead.

Like the peace after the storm, I too felt calm after crying. Gopala sat next to me and then after a long silence he slowly said:
“My father is a head priest of a big temple in Orissa. Like most fathers he too wanted me to live his unfulfilled dream. I know Vedas by heart, Sanskrit Shlokas is my first language, debate with me in any topic and I can speak for hours. But is that all to knowledge? The true knowledge? The supreme truth? With my mind full of texts and heart empty of experience, I too left it all one day and joined this pilgrimage. When I saw you for the first time, I saw the same longing, same detachment and same desire for search. Tell me my friend, did you find what you were looking for?”

I carefully looked at him and suddenly he felt a whole different Gopala, he looked mature and wiser. “I wish I knew what I want”, I softly replied.

“The better it is,” he chuckled. “At least you don’t have to go through the process of being empty.”

He then got up and suggestively asked: “I am going to visit Dharamshala, a Buddhist town up north. Would you like to join me? Heard the Dalai Lama is also there at this time of the year.”

“Aren’t you going back to the group?” Immediately I regretted asking this question as I guessed what was coming.

“We have left them long back” He said with a smile.

Advait part 8 (Source)

2008-04-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

I felt naked, standing before the entire auditorium filled with people. It was screening of my first film. Never felt so uncomfortable, vulnerable, or anxious. Knowing that everybody will now know me, will know my insecurities, my fear, my love, my passion and my truth through my film. There was no escape.

I always liked the Zen approach to the filmmaking. Living and discovering the moment as you go. Like a sculptor, who finds a mass of stone, feels it, caresses it and takes it’s permission to make sure it was ready to take the shape of his dream. He doesn’t know what he is going to make but allows the creation to reveal itself, with every stroke. Now same happened with me in making the film or writing this story. Sometimes obscure when I am not in tune with myself, but mostly gratifying when it naturally flows as if waiting to be born. Recently I have been thinking too much thus blocking the energy flow and result to which the breakdown happened. Like an internal disease you don’t realize it till it is quite late. Heart feels the symptoms but mind refuses to accept it and finds another excuse not to see it till it becomes so evident that there’s no other option but to cut it off.

Body covered in ashes, hair grown long and matted, beard covering most of the face accept my two lonely searching eyes. It was easy to become a Sadhu, all you needed was an appearance. Longing still felt, attachment was still there, sense of pride still existed, just the appearance changed and this itself was the biggest obstacle in my search.

We had started towards our final journey, to the source from where Ganga emerged. I had quite lost interest by now and it just felt going to another tourist spot. Mind divided again yet feet kept walking. Gopala had sensed my restlessness, the way he smiled gave it all, yet he never intervened.

Gangotri, the divine place, a small heaven it was. Felt the cold clear water of Ganga on my face and my entire being got cleansed. Sat on it’s bank, meditated, slept, stared, slept again and then again meditated. On the third day, with the first ray of sun, I got up and walked towards the woods as if guided by an inner force. Not for a moment did I look back at my sleeping friends. When reached deep in the woods, with no trace of any existing path, I suddenly stopped. Right in front of me, not more than 200 meters away, partially hidden in the bushes, was a majestic, beautiful Bull. It stared right at me, unmoving and I did the same to him. After moments which felt like ages, my body became limp, my eyes drooped and I felt completely drained and exhausted. I tried to keep my eyes open but in vain, my head spinning, my knees week I was about to fall in the ground when for a flash of a moment I saw the bull open its mouth, as if it smiled and then I fell down and everything went dark.

Advait part 7 (Circle)

2008-03-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

First step like always is most difficult...Life tests your soul to make sure if you are ready for the journey.

Clearly it was not easy for me either. Walking for miles, sleeping on pavements, begging for food and doing almost everything, which a homeless beggar would do. Yet there was something significantly distinct about our group. There was bhakti, an enthusiastic devotion for lord Shiva, who is the supreme destroyer. Day and night we would sing, chant and dance as we went along. Smoking pot was considered as Prasad, so no wonder most of the time we were high and thought that rest of the world as maya. After many nights and many days, we reached ‘Haridwar’, an ancient Hindu city where Ganga emerges from himalayas. We decided to stay in this city for few days before we proceeded further.
Getting food and shelter was never a problem for us, being a Sadhu is a privilege in India and most of the time we are offered food by people who are starving themselves. Was it love for dharma or fear of sin, which drew the masses to these temples? Temples, which meant a structure reserved for religious or spiritual activities, or house of gods had become more of a market place and the pundits its businessmen. There was a fee for everything, the deeper your pockets the better was your relationship with the gods.
I had started to get anxious looking at this state where everybody followed each other like sheep without making an effort to really know the meaning of what they were doing. When I thought about it, it struck me suddenly that wasn’t I doing the same thing, what was I looking for? Why was I following?
Answer which came from within was, “May be to find the reason to what to look for and what to follow?”
But are these Sadhus also looking for what I am searching?
No! they have dedicated their life to Shiva and they are just roaming.
But what for? There has to be a reason? No one does nothing without a reason.
Their cause itself is a reason, their devotion is their way of life.
It makes no sense, I have to find a meaning to my life and this all seems like a circle. And I felt stuck in the same web of life.

Advait part 6 (The River)

2008-03-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

Did I always wanted to do this? or was it another escape another illusion ? One thing for sure, my heart longed for it. What lies deep within somehow manifest through our actions. After my Diksha I was accepted in the group, two days from now we’ll be leaving Varanasi and proceeding towards the origin of river Ganga, in the Himalayas. I suddenly felt lighter, in body and spirit. For long I have been trying hard to make my life work, now I wanted to let it flow. It was my first lesson from the river.

I know I am not a bad person, nobody is. In root we are all divine, yet I know I have caused grief to people who loved me, maybe still causing now with my sudden disappearance. Ever wonder if you could see you own death? Creating a void and witness how others react to it. Who would really miss me? My wife who had long left me tired of my eccentric ness, how would she react? I am sure she must have known about it by now. Another escape or self-indulgence of my narcissist behavior, she must be thinking.

Live you must, right or wrong, who knows? Who decides? There’s no strength to justify my actions. I accept. I am.

It wasn’t that difficult to fit in this new world of renunciates. I could sense their skepticism yet no body bothered me. Nine are the Avtaras of Vishnu and nine are us in the group. Lead by Baba, the eldest one and followed by Gopala the youngest and most restless one. Most of them were quite old and usually lost in their own world of singing, chanting and smoking. Gopala, with mischievous little eyes, short height, plump face, barely in his twenties, was curious and I knew he paid special attention to me. Today in the temple it was he who got food for me when I couldn’t gather courage to go and ask from the devotees who distributed in a celebration of fulfillment of a desire.
“Not everybody has the opportunity to give so bless him by receiving.” Said Gopala. I was pleasantly surprised. He came out to be wiser than I thought. With thankfulness I accepted and we ate in silence.
“So what do you search for?” Gopala broke the silence in an attempt to be familiar.
“Do we all not search for the same thing ?” I smiled
“what? Enlightenment?”
“If that is what you want to call it?”
“Hmmm munde munde matir bhinna”
“Whats that?”
“Various heads various ideas.”
We both laughed. I after ages. It felt good.

On the third day, when the moon was full, city was asleep. We nine started our journey towards the north.
Like river, I knew, let it go, let it flow, life knows.

Advait part 5 (The Burning Ghat)

2008-03-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

After the customary bath in Ganga, I proceeded towards the holiest of holy temple in Banaras. Passing through the narrow lanes, filled with small shopkeepers, sadhus and cows I finally reached the ancient Shiva temple.

The moment I entered the temple premises, something happened, something profound, my heart skipped a beat….I immediately felt I knew this place although I was visiting it for the first time, it felt familiar, it felt known, it felt Home. I felt weak in my knees but something powerful was pulling me towards the inner temple. I obeyed. Thoughtless I walked through the corridors as if I had walked here thousands of times, straight I reached to inner sanctum where Shivling was. The mere glimpse of it made my eyes closed, my lips murmured the Shiva mantra and some more Sanskrit shlokas unknown to me. I lost track of time and place, my eyes felt heavy but my body felt like a dry leaf falling from a tree. A ray of light pierced my heart, illuminating my mind body and soul.

By the time I came out of temple, my heart had already made a decision. I felt determined and there was no trace of insecurity or doubt. In a small restaurant I had my lunch in peace.

Evening came and I sat on the ghat steps watching evening aarti mesmerized. Very rare you see a river being worshipped. Till late I sat there watching the lamps floating in the water. It was time to let go. Slowly sleep took over me and after years of restless nights I finally dreamt. A beautiful tomorrow.

At 5 in the morning, In manikarnika ghat where people die and body is burned, my soul is reborn. Head shaved, my clothes burn with my hair. My belongings given to the pundits. I decided to take a pilgrimage with other sadhus to do a parikrama of ganga.

Kashi, next to a river, in water, where it all begins and all end, my new life enfolds.

City of Death (Advait: part 4)

2008-03-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

It was past midnight when I reached Baneras, also known as Kashi, also known as city of death. People come here to die, to attain nirvana. I had an eerie feeling that my destiny had called me for something similar.

I slowly came down from the train. My entire body was hurting from the long journey, yet I could feel a certain sense of excitement in my heart. I also felt knots in my stomach; it was similar to the ones I got when I went to my school after holidays. A porter came offering his help to pick my luggage, I realized I had none. I surprisingly smiled at him and said ‘Thanks but I don’t have any luggage except this body’. I walked out of the little station and looked around. Winters hadn’t started, yet I felt cold. With no warm clothes other than just a shawl I had, I decided to sit near the little tea stall to feel the warmth from its stove.

Kashi has a very significant place in Hindu mythology. Ganga which flows on its bank got its birth from the jata (Hair) of Shiva. Almost all ancient Sages, Rishis, Kings, & pauper made a pilgrimage here. This city calls you when you need to come here.

Chai did good to me, refreshed I got up and started walking without taking any Rickshaw or auto. I walked as if I knew these lanes, I felt I belonged here. Modern India and tourism had destroyed the essence of this place yet there was something mystical in the air. I reached Assi Ghats and sat on its steps gazing in the darkness. This was the same place where hundreds of years back, Tulsidas wrote the great Ramayana. There was still some time before the sunrise. Effortlessly I had the urge to close my eyes and sit cross legged in meditation. I did as I felt. No thoughts, just empty space in my little mind. Peace came. Don’t know how long I sat, When I opened my eyes the sky had started to turn crimson.

Bells rang, temples gates opened, Pundits started chanting, salesmen prepared their stalls, ferrymen took out their boats, people rushed to bathe in the holy water and within moments, before even the sun rose…the grand old city woke up, just like from a deep meditation.

Stories (Advait part 3)

2008-02-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how long, I slept. My dreams never made sense to me. They always felt obscure, fragmented, and sometimes very claustrophobic. They woke me up sometimes, feeling scared and isolated.

I went to a boarding school at the age of 5, at the time when I couldn’t even tie my shoelaces or my pajamas. I don’t even have clear memories of my childhood, they too like my dreams are fragmented. Maybe someday like a puzzle it will all come together. Everyday after dinner, we had play-time and a very favorite teacher of mine would tell us stories. Although I don’t quite remember those stories but it did for sure made a deep impact in my fragile mind. Who knew years down the lane I was being prepared to be a storyteller.

Stories are addictive, because like any other drugs it takes you into it’s own world, where you are the creator. Ask any filmmaker, how high they get when they are making their films, away from the reality we enter our own world. No wonder so easily we detach from everything which is real, not appreciating what we have, always running after the mirage. Before I realized my life had blurred the line between my existing reality and my fictitious world. One had to surrender, one had to be merged in another, one had to loose its identity, it was just not possible for them to co-exist. My greatest fear won, my creation, my stories, my fairy land, my escapist heart won….and thus leaving me…Alone.

Calling (Advait: part 2)

2008-02-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

11 am, I find myself sitting in the third compartment of a train. I try to hide my face as few passers by, try to look and give this known familiar look, as if they are best of my friends. I am clearly a misfit, with my fancy clothes and sophisticated grooming. I look out of the window and notice a small pool of water in the platform, I can even see, a not so clear image of myself in it. How did I find myself here? Life seems to have slowed down around me, as if in trance, I can vaguely remember last evening, when it was all perfect, till I lost myself.

I got up fairly early today, may be I never slept, although I don’t feel tired. I think it was a dreamless sleep. It was 5am and it was still dark outside. Without any effort, which was surprising, I got up and took shower. Allowed the warm water to hit my body, felt every single drop, as if for the first time I was taking a bath. Don’t know how long I was there, felt forever. And when the water and I had become one, I closed it and just stood, staring right into the mirror, which was misty due to heat. Slowly, teasingly, the mirror became clearer and revealed my naked self. I was still staring, as if looking at a whole different person. My nakedness didn’t amuse me nor did I felt to cover myself. My right hand slowly lifted itself and caressed my cheeks, as my mother did when I was a kid to make me sleep, as my lover did when I was in college to show her love, as my wife did when I was worried to take my pain. I felt my wrinkles, life had passed by, much faster than I had realized. Lost in my unlived life I closed my eyes.

A loud cough bought me back to the train station. I realized an elderly person had taken a seat before me and had just spit on the water pool I was staring at. My image of myself was again distorted. I looked around and realized that my compartment was almost full and yet people were just pouring in. If it was any other day, I would have not stayed there for more than a second, but today I was oblivious to heat, sound, cries, shouting, smoking, and everything around me. I was centered, everything else seemed blurry.
Slowly the train started, as how it feels when the sand leaves your hand, it felt when the town I lived most of my life, slowly passed in front of my eyes. I felt the wind in my face and knew without a doubt, that very moment…..my journey had started.

Advait: part 1 (Womb)

2008-02-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

And it just happened one day.

Right in the middle of a shoot, in the middle of a scene, in the middle of a multi million set, built to bring my dream to life.

Actor looks up to me, for directions, and finds me staring in to a deep void.

The cast is ready, the crew is ready, sound is on, lights are on, everyone waiting to hear the one magic word ‘Action’.

But instead, after a short pause, which seems a long eternity I slowly whisper
“ I have lost my inspiration”

And that’s how my story began, for the search of inspiration.

Hafiz

2008-02-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

Yatra

2008-02-18T03:59:00.000-08:00

"My feet are tired but my soul is rested"
- Gandhi ji

"Why did you do this pilgrimage ? and more important why did u decided to walk?" I asked Nipun and Guri when they came back after their pilgrimage.

There's something very sacred about walking, which stirs the soul and makes an everlasting impression. You connect. Nipun gave me an example of water, if you boil it and then let it cool down, it will still look the same, but the water has gone through this rigorous tapasya and has changed forever. This is what their journey did to them.

I have done little bit of traveling but now we are really looking forward to do a yatra in the footsteps of Gandhiji. Route is the road to Dandi. Reach there on 6th of april, the day when he broke the salt law and revolutionized India in 1930.

I can feel a sense of excitement building up, a sense of purpose engulfs my heart and can't wait to take the first step...

Monkey Mind

2008-02-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

As days pass and with minimum to do I am forced to look within and really make an effort to understand on what exactly I am seeking. If it is to find the truth, then am I being honest right now ? at this very moment ? or I am trying to distort my belief to my convenience.

I have a habit of saying a little bit of sin and little bit zen, but then are they really different ? I thought when I am in tune with myself, its Zen and vice versa, but then she asked me " Are we really ever out of tune with ourself ?" isn't this moment just perfect the way it should have been ?

So if thats true then there's really no division, no difference, it's all there in my monkey mind. so if they are both same then why not choose to just seek Zen, and know that there's no such thing as sin. Somehow it sounds all tricky, I am still not completely convinced...I am sure there will be a time when I will be able to feel the oneness in this division and my actions will be in perfect harmony with my being...

Till then seek the good :)

Our Highest Right

2008-02-15T05:20:00.001-08:00

Do we really have a will of our own? We all know we should follow our dreams but how do we know what's our dream, the real dream, the real meaning, the real task which we are born for. Our Highest Right...how do we decide that.

Mahabharat is such a good example of karma and destiny. Every single act of it seems like pre-destined yet everything depended on the current act of the characters. everyone knew everything which was going to happen, yet they played their part and did what was needed, what their dharma asked them to do, what felt their highest right. For everyone it was different.... fighting for Duryodhana, sacrificing for Karna, being silent for Bheeshma, enduring for Yudhishtara and playing the catalyst for Krishna.

Bliss is to be in tune with that highest sense right of our own, then right or wrong, moral or immoral, good and evil, all these doesn't really matter. You do what you are here to do. Even if you suffer doing it, there will be a joy in that suffering. There will be a pleasure in the pain. You'll be alive.

Joy in suffering :)

Love

2008-02-14T02:20:00.000-08:00

"Why does heart loves when it knows it will suffer? and the Master replied: "The fear of suffering is worst than the suffering itself."
-From the Alchemist

'Love', what is in this four letter word which evokes a rush of overwhelming emotion. How do you classify, how do you calculate, how do you decide how much you love someone. Can a love for someone be greater than the love for himself ? All the time in your life you meet people who say they have loved you, may be more than their own lives, but do they love you or the feeling of love which you evoke in their own heart which they love ? Because if they love you then why this insecurity to let you go. If it goes then it was never there.

Love blossoms when it is independent of itself. when you loose yourself in it without expecting what is the result. You just simply love. There's no reason, no doubts, no fear, no justifications. Like breathing, it is simply there. feel it and accept it.

How it would feel, to love like Meera Bai, who was so devoted to the blue one that it didn't really matter if Krishna had 1000 wives. She was his and he was her's. Simply accepted. No proof, no reassurance, no display, no waiting for any answer.

How it would feel to love like Krishna, who couldn't even get to be with the first and the most loved person of his life.

How it would feel to love like Buddha, to have the courage to leave his new born baby and yet be able to feel compassion for millions of strangers.

Heart is strange, it sends love in most unexpected ways and you don't have any choice but to surrender to this feeling. Because if you don't then your entire being is in question...

Just give up and love, be it yourself, your work, your lover, your friend, your parents or a complete stranger.

There's no escape so simply let go and loose yourself :)

Blessed Unrest

2008-02-13T00:27:00.000-08:00

Traveling from the known to the unknown requires crossing an abyss of emptiness. We first experience disorientation and confusion. Then if we are willing to cross the abyss in curious and playful wonder, we enter an expansive and untamed country that has its own rhythm. Time melts and thoughts become stories, music, poems, images, ideas. This is the intelligence of the heart, but by that I don't mean just the seat of our emotions. I mean a vast range of receptive and connective abilities, intuition, innovation, wisdom, creativity, sensitivity, the aesthetic, qualitative and meaning making. It is here that we uncover our purpose and passion.
--Dawna Markova, From "I Will Not Die an Unlived Life"

I am making an effort to write something else but somehow cannot ignore the deep restlessness within so yet again here's another contemplation of my current mind.

Initially I used to wait alone, now there are are so many waiting with me. waiting when we will be inspired enough to take another project, waiting to get the calling, waiting to be restless enough to start walking. Yet we know sometimes we have to just wait, because ripples happens in a calm lake and there's always calmness after the ripples.

I feel like Guido from the movie 8 1/2, entire team ready, looking up to me, and I feel lost. All we can do right now is take one step at a time, do what is in front of us and 'wait'. Like a duck, who seems too calm on the surface but if you look underwater, she is paddling furiously.

I somehow like this state of mind, it indicates that something is stirring, something is happening, a transformation is in process, we have not become too comfortable with our day to day existence.

This unrest is Blessed :)

A fistful of sand

2008-02-11T21:51:00.000-08:00

Ever tried taking sand in your fist and making an effort to not let it go ? Harder I tried to stop it, faster it slipped by, leaving marks on my palm. But if I just let it go, it would caress my hand, leaving behind a feeling of acceptance.

Nothing in this life is forever, everything came to go, everything leaves.
Be it object, person, emotion or life.

"Like all this will pass too" is a powerful Sutra which I try to remind myself, again and again. To submit to it, leaves a feeling of universal acceptance, to restrain is what creates the void, the emptiness in soul.

We human beings, love this void, we love this pain and thus keep causing to ourselves. Like a dog who doesn't know the taste of the bone he is chewing. The sharp bone causes his mouth to bleed, and in an illusion, dog loves the taste of it thinking it is from the bone.

This pain, this illusion, this suffering is what makes us human. No matter what we believe , we'll always try to hold that sand, clutch to our loved ones, secure our possessions...

because may be deep down we know, our time here is limited, so we desperately want it all...because in the end nothing remains....

In nothingness today

Courage to BE

2008-02-11T02:53:00.001-08:00

"The war cry will no more be with Marx and Mao: The spirit of revenge cannot build a new world. Only a revolution which leads to a higher sense of human dignity can lead to a higher and nobler way of life. Revolutions based on hatred and violence merely create a new class of exploiters and hatred and exploitation remain."

These are the words of Baba Amte, who recently passed away. A great social worker of his time who made a change by being one.
One thing I always wonder when I get to meet or hear about these wonderful people is 'How do they get the courage and persistence to do what they do?" It is easy to be hopeful and dreamer when you are in youth and want to take off to change the world but how exactly you keep you soul intact when you really take this karmic pilgrimage.
I believe the true spiritual saints are the one who are also karma yogis. There has to be a balance between the Mind, Heart and Body. One without the others is so incomplete. One without the others is mere an intellectual, physical or playful exercise.

The key as Dwarkoji had said, "Think globally work locally", "Find the truth through whatever you do" and the truth can be found, felt or experienced when we are in that harmony. And that is Bliss!!!

In that Karmic pilgrimage today :)

In spaces

2008-02-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

According to Hindu mythology, the entire universe is constructed and destructed in one day of Brhama. Pranayam which is one of the most ancient yoga sutra, is about inhaling and exhaling of breath. So on the same thought the entire creation and destruction is like the brahma's breath and it also in a metaphorical level reflects our entire lives.

We are nothing but a breath, life and death, sin and zen, passion and compassion, truth and false.....in short 'in' and 'out'.

Now what intrests me is the ....space between in these breaths, the moment of emptiness, the moment of reflection when there is no act happening, just silence or the preparation of the act to be followed. The beingness.

We human beings are so busy in making our life busy that we are scared to be in this state of nothingness. It makes us uncomfortable.

Now I , looking at my past have been feeling this state quite often. It happens when I finish a film, a project or an event. May be I am in that state again....I am not scared but yes little vulnerable, questioning my entire purpose and acts. Maybe I should just wait and let the blossoming happen.

In wait :)

Letting Go

2008-02-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

Once Gandhiji was going to address a huge crowd in some rural part of India. As he was walking towards the stage, a british journalist asks him: " Gandhiji, what are you going to talk about today?"
Gandhi ji looks up and with a smile says :" I am not there yet".

Its hard to be patient and wait for the moment to take over , specially when you are going to address thousands of people. But isn't it beautiful to be able to trust the universe and be able to be in 'NOW' fully present, fully there. To just be the instrument with out making any effort to do something. It's a beautiful state..and deep down our soul strives to be in that state forever.

I had a little glimpse of it when recently I went to give a small talk in few colleges, to invite students to build a community for using media for social change. I didn't feel the need to prerpare anything , just wanted to go and let the moment take over...

People I admire like Jayesh bhai, Nipun, dwarkoji..they have made their life as being. you can feel them present in doing whatever they do. There's no effort to do something. Something just manifests through them, through small act of kindness. every moment is a sadhna...

It reminds me the saint I met in Matar who so simply said: To become is human to BE is god.

In effortless today :)

A little bit of Sin and little bit of Zen

2005-10-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

"When we all have the potential of ataining moksha then why we do we have the natural desire to indulge in sin?" with this question and with just one camera I went out travelling entire India interviewing various saints from different religion and asking their thoughts on good and evil and about our journey to the unknown which starts here and ends here in NOW.

Pilgrim

2005-10-04T05:52:00.000-07:00

04th Oct 05. Mount Abu

Once I asked her "What if one day, I would like to leave everything, including films and would do something different or just become a wonderer, then would you still support me?" She calmly replied, "It would depend on the intensity of your desire."

One year passed since I left America, on 2nd Oct, Gandhiji's b'day and with a beautiful co-incidence I was in Sabarmati ashram (Gandhi ji's ashram in Ahmedabad), day before yesterday again on 2nd Oct. There's a great force, which attracts me to Gandhi Ashram. Part of it is tremendous love of Jayesh bhai, Anarben and family in Manav Sadhna and part of it is unknown.

"Given another chance, would you have traveled with someone else, in this one year journey?" asked Nipun, Guri and Viral in their grueling interview session in Baroda. What a privilege. These true pilgrims were asking me about my small journey.

"May be I needed to find myself before I could give completely myself to her". And then life itself is a journey, so many more coming to be walked together.

In togetherness today.

Osho

2005-09-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

27th Sep 05. Osho Commune (Resort ), Pune.

" We don't want to be part of this Film, because there are other, so called 'saints' here, if you want to make a separate film on Osho, then you are welcome." Said by a senior spokes person in Osho meditation resort, to me when I requested to take someone's interview to reflect the thoughts of Osho Rajneesh. A greatest thinker of his time, someone who fascinated me since childhood.

Two prominent things I noticed here, 1st isn't not being part of an organization makes you a part of your own organization and thus narrowing your seeking. Osho as I know had studied all the cultures, religions and Vedas and thus came to his own thought process which was accumaltion of everything. So why this rejection now, isn't everything is an Advait? or maybe I cannot see something from where I am now. And secondly I noticed Osho commune's name has been changed to Osho Meditation Resort. True to its name it really felt like a resort and less of a meditation commune. Sadly a person who, all is life fought to follow any dogma has now been made himself into a rigid dogma by his admirers and followers, just like everyone else.

Today in observation.

Advait

2005-09-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

24th Sep 05 Kanchi math, Tirupathi (A.P)

"So you will ask the questions, handle the camera, do the editing, everything done by you, so you are Advait, all in one and one in all."
His holiness Sri Shankaracharya Jayendra Saraswati, one of most senior saints in Hinduism, smilingly said this to me. Again felt very blessed to take his interview. Babuji (my grandfather) was almost in tears with extreme happiness, when I told him about meeting Shankaracharya and other great saints.

Before starting this journey, I was always apprehensive with the word "saint". When there is a God in you, God in me and a god in everyone, then why do we need Gurus and Saints? But now with little bit of understanding, I deeply respect the journey they had, the knowledge they have seeked and for living in tune with God every moment. Although I feel we do go overboard in following them, blinding ourselves by rituals & religions & mistakenly accept them as a God rather seeing the God within them.

Vivekananda sums it all here:
" Never forget the glory of human nature. We are the greatest God. Christs & Buddhas are but waves on the boundless ocean, which "I AM".

In Advait today.

Desire

2005-09-23T05:47:00.000-07:00

23rd Sep 05. Tirumala (Tirupati, A.P)

"When we have the potential of achieving moksha then why do we have the natural desire to indulge in sin?" I asked this to H.H. Sri Sri Ravishankar, founder of Art of living, in his Bangalore based ashram, 'Because we are all attracted to opposites" He smilingly replied.

I had the rare privilege to take his interview (although a very short one). Heart was sad for while but then consoled it thinking at least I got to meet him. I felt he was in complete bliss most of the time, his face radiating love and happiness, full of Karuna (compassion) and had presence like of Radha & Krishna together in him.
I remember I was in ecstasy when I got the longest reply to my question to H.H. Dalai Lama and now felt incredibly low with such a short interview of Sri Sri Ravishankar. I realized it was so easy to absorb negativity when mind is not centered. It's always tough to train our monkey mind and be in centre of ourselves.

In effort to be in centre today.

Unlived Moments

2005-08-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

30th Aug 05. Golden Temple, Amritsar.

I know it's there, I can feel it but cannot find it. The harder I try, the further it goes.
"You have to let it go Madhu," said Meghna. " The best moments captured through camera are spontaneous, the moment we try to find it or create it through mind, it looses its innocence".
It's like silence, you utter its name and it's gone. knowing this truth, I tend to forget it, usually when overwhelmed by the incredible experience of a moment, such as now of watching the magnificent Golden temple. In that moment I try hard to photograph it in an unusual way, something different and in that excitement I lose its purity, and thus blocking the universe to reveal its magic.
A quote I read today sums it all:
"One foot is rooted in things we understand: But the other rests in a realm of deep, dark mystery, a place far beyond the knowledge of mankind". -Atharva Veda
In letting go today.

Krishna's Birthday

2005-08-27T05:40:00.000-07:00

27th August' 05. ISKCON Temple, Vrindavan

Hare Rama Hare Rama. Rama Rama Hare Hare. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare.

Krishna Bal ram temple (ISKCON) echoed with this mahamantra chant. My long time wish to see Janmashtmi, in the birth land of Krishna, came true this year. Hundreds of people packed every temple in Mathura and Vrindavan.

As time was approaching towards midnight, the time when Krishna was born, the energy everywhere became vibrant. Everyone seemed to be in a state of bliss, chanting loudly and dancing while waving their hands in air. Most of the singers were foreigners but it made no difference. They sang from their soul. The chanting was so pure that you can almost feel it in your body, heart and soul. In that moment of ecstasy nothing else existed, but just you and Krishna. For the longest time, smilingly I looked at his statue in the temple and strongly felt his presence in me.

In being with him today. :)

International Screenings

2005-08-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

new samanvay poster
Originally uploaded by kreativedreams.

It has been a great privilage and honor to have our "Samanvay " film being shown in various film festivals and places all over the world. Thankyou you all for making it happen. here's a list of showing till date:

1. Manav Sadhna, Gandhi Ashram ( Ahmedabad, India)
2. World Premiere in SouthSide Film festival (Bethlehem. PA. USA)
3. Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Arizona (United States)
3. Canada, Denmark
4. Special screening for children in Samanvay Ashram, Bodhgaya (Bihar.India )

Feet at rest

2005-08-12T05:39:00.000-07:00

12.08.05. Parasnath temple. Parasnath.

Walking! Today I experienced, sitting on a hilltop, in front of sacred Jain temple of Parasnathji, why is walking recommended during a pilgrimage. It's believed, this is the place where Parasnath experienced enlightenment.
Woke up today at 2:30am (big challenge for a lazy person like me) and after shower at 3:00am started the 11 km barefoot walk uphill towards this temple situated at 1366 m. In the beginning every little step was difficult but when I saw a 70 yrs young person to 5 yr kids walking I felt old and thus got more courage. Walking connects with your soul and now I appreciate much more the saints, seekers and everyone who have walked their path and how lucky and blessed my friends Guri and Nipun are to be walking all over India. I can't forget the beautiful words Nipun wrote on his diary about walking " when you walk, one foot rests while other works".

Today in Rest and yet in Work.

Choices

2005-08-11T05:38:00.000-07:00

11.08.05. Mahabodhi temple. Bodhgaya.

Restlessness to move forward yet thinking what experienced in the past "now", most of our experience becomes part of us sub-consciously and it shapes us, without even us realizing it. Our soul takes what it needs and in turn becomes the voice of our choices later. Mind tries to rationalize what we gain from our Journey and can be sometimes brutal analyzing the physical out put but at the same time our soul, slowly absorbs the experience of our pilgrimage and then creates the change within. This Journey or pilgrimage is not just physical tour we take to different places but it is our life as whole where we make different choices, following our dreams in day-to-day life. We are all on a pilgrimage of life, just walking different paths.
We are all on Journey to the unknown, which begins here in "Now" and also ends here in "Now".

In walking different paths.

All is one and one is all

2005-08-10T05:36:00.000-07:00

10.08.05. Mahabodhi temple. Bodhgaya.
Karma yoga or Bhakti yoga, which path is greater? I used to always ask this to my self. I always had this bad habit of comparing, which should not be done as we all know "All is one and one is All". But then mind is like a child it never stops asking questions. The difference between the two (although there is none) was illustrated beautifully in a story I came across in Internet. Have you noticed a female monkey and a lioness and the way they hold their babies while walking? Baby monkey clings to her motherÕs chest and he would fall if he leaves it thus requiring equal participation from him. On the other hand, a lioness holds her baby from the neck requiring the baby to surrender completely to his mother and offer no resistance knowing he is safe.
Karma yoga is similar to the state of baby monkey where a person performs his duty to survive in this world, earn his livelihood through physical work and supports his family and Bhakti yoga is the path of renunciation like the state of baby lion where one surrenders his life to God. "Mother" representing God in both cases.
What I realize was that none of them is greater, there is a difference between the both and yet there is none. Both participate, one by "holding" to the God and another by "surrendering" to it. They are different paths, different states of mind and difference of opinions and yet they both are closer to God. "Mother" knows no difference.
So we choose, which path do we want to go on with an understanding that choice should be based not on rejection of other path but by acceptance of it because both lead to the God and thus realizing "All is one and one is All".

In his presence.

Give and Receive

2005-08-06T05:34:00.000-07:00

06.08.05. Samanvay Ashram, Bodhgaya.

Who is greater, the person who gives or the one who receives? I asked Dwarkoji. Obviously we know it's "Giver" but I wanted to know the real difference between the two. When a yogi or a Bhikshu receives food and donation from others to survive, then is he being a burden to the society or is he giving an opportunity to serve to the "Giver" by willing to "take" from him and thus contributing to the society by his sadhna and spreading Good energy?
He replied: There's no Giver in real sense. We have all received infinitely from the universe since our birth that there's no comparison to what we can give. We should receive but without any expectation and try to give much more than we received. Be humble during giving and think not you're superior but as one with him. It's an Illusion that we can give. So let's be thankful to what we have received and to what we can give.

In Thankfulness.

Why do you do it ?

2005-08-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

05.08.05. Mahabodhi temple. Bodhgaya.

And they ask me, why do I want to travel? Why do I want to make a film on spirituality? What's its use?
What's the use of anything anyway? Yet everything has a purpose. Why do I do this because this is the closest I can feel the life. Every moment is a miracle when you shoot a documentary film. Life reveals itself to you, magic begins and unexpected happens. For e.g. today I was taking a close-up shoot of a Hen. She was facing the other side, my camera was on, waiting patiently for a moment and then suddenly she turned her head majestically and looked right into the camera. Ah it was a moment; I can never forget those eyes again. No wonder, Italian filmmaker "Fellini" never had a script. He always believed in the intensity of the moment. Not creating but experiencing and how do we experience it? By learning how to "See". Seeing beyond looking and thatÕs what I aspire to learn and thatÕs why I want to travel.
It was difficult initially to videotape people randomly without their permission and thus invading their privacy and the 1st time I felt it intensely was when I took photos of a person passed away in an old age home for my photography class. I felt very guilty doing it and expressed it to my Instructor, and he said this which changed my perception forever: "It's what you feel is important" he said "If your purpose is to take advantage for your story then Quit photography now, but if it's to uplift Human Spirit then go out and capture life and show it to the world".
In being able to Feel.

So what is Real ?

2005-08-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

04.08.05. Under Bodhi tree. Bodhgaya.

"Shankaracharaya, the great Hindu saint of India was once walking on the streets. Suddenly from nowhere a huge elephant runs towards him. In haste, Shankaracharaya moves out of his way. A passerby, who witnessed this, mockingly asks him: O divine one, when this entire universe is an Illusion, and this elephant running after you is also an Illusion then why are you afraid? Shankaracharaya smilingly replies-Isn't your witnessing my running also not an Illusion?" So what's real to be in the illusion or to witness it? Or Both? To be in it and yet witness it and understanding the difference between the both is the divine one.
Life is always the balance, and to create it, always the attempt would be. To be supple like a snake and hard like a rock, calm and compassionate as if being a small lake yet roaring with passionate energy like an ocean. Attempt to just be in the moment and yet living dreams to create magnificent tomorrow. How else this life could be? So beautiful, so mysterious.

In this Mystery.

City of Death

2005-08-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

02.08.05. Varanasi.
Time to say good bye to Varanasi and move on. Weather is hot here and thus in few hours body is exhausted. Streets are over crowded due to current religious Hindu month. City is full of Shiva devotees from all around India. In spite of all this, city is enchanting and there's always something new to discover. Tomorrow morning leaving for Bodhgaya. Never get tired of that place. As Dwarkoji had said, this place is really sacred as it attracted Buddha and gave him enlightenment. There's a peaceful energy radiating that place. Looking forward to meet the kids in Samanvay along with Dwarkoji. In a fiction novel I recently read, an observer calls Varanasi "City of Death". As people find it a privilege to die here and be cremated. A city where cremation fire is always burning. An interesting observation. At the same time I also believe its "City of Life" as it has survived in spite of being destroyed several times by moguls. It's just like a Grand pa's face. Full of wrinkles yet radiating with love and compassion.
In Living.

Tulsidas

2005-08-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

01.08.05 Tulsi Ghat. Varanasi

“If this body won’t Go with you, then who else do you rely on. Nobody is yours neither friend, family nor foe.’’
I read this in a Jain temple in Sarnath and then happen to witness it in real in Manikarnika ghat, Varanasi, where 24 hrs corpses are cremated. Varanasi being the most religious & holy city for Hindu, pilgrims from all over the world come to experience this thousands of years old ancient city. What is that I like about Benaras, somebody asked me It’s the “energy’’ I replied when you come here you instantly feel belonged to these old alleys. It’s as if you have come here before.
Not to be explained but just felt. Today I took three interviews of saints from different sects or paths in Hinduism. Thrilled as project is moving forward and taking a shape. Have started experiencing the charm of Varanasi as the city slowly unveils herself.

In unveiling.

2005-07-31T05:26:00.000-07:00

31.07.05 Sarnath
We have to walk alone, we would have been born in groups if it was other way. I was questioning The purpose of my journey and then suddenly I read this quote : “the pain would cease down, may be after a moment ,day, month or a year and would change into something else but if we quit , it would last forever” by lance Armstrong so I move on enjoying The unknown . Alone sitting under a shade of tree surrounded by remains of Buddhist monasteries and in Front of me is the grand 3o m. Stupa 2000 year old. This unknown is beautiful.
My subject is so vast that I really don’t know how The film would be made as most of the Hindu Religious Guru’s don’t give personal Interviews due to their godly image but I have to try because the way I got Dalai Lama’s interview, who knows what more miracles are hidden there but I have to make that effort and take the step because when we do that a whole new world unfolds.
In taking that step.

2005-07-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

28.07.05 Aghor Ashram, Varanasi.
I again ate meat today. Like always felt guilty but did it again. This goat was an offering to the gods in this ashram. Here they follow Aghor Path, where sadhaks pray goddess Shakti, do secret tantric meditations and are non-vegetarians. They have their own way to channelise their energy for the development of humanity. I was in the presence of a senior Avadhoot Aghori. They believe him to be God, like all other ashrams believe for their guru’s. I couldn’t take his interview, as he did not want it.
Today is my 3rd day in Varanasi, had come back home from Dharamshala for a while.Varanasi is a city bustling with energy. 1st day you don’t like it, but slowly it enchants you with its mystery and charm. I have to yet discover it. Why do in a journey we seem to find ourselves getting further from our loved ones. We are changing no doubt and this change takes time to be accepted.
In accepting the change.

2005-07-06T05:23:00.000-07:00

06.07.05. MC. Lodgunj. (Dalai Lama ji’s birthday).
H.H. Dalai lama ji spoke to me today. I am blessed. Every creation in this universe is blessed and I feel it strongly today. Today was his b’day and it’s very rare when he meets anyone on this day but this year he did. It’s been raining heavily since morning as if Gods celebrating too. Thousands of people with their umbrella are gathered in main temple just to get a glimpse of him. I was lucky to manage a pass to be with press group and thus photograph him very closely. After the event there was a press conference and H.H. answered few questions. He started with “I don’t have much to say, I know just to smile”. This moment was pure bliss. He radiated full of love and compassion. My heart melted just in his presence. Some how I mustered up enough courage to ask him a question: “His highness, I am an independent freelance film maker and I wanted to know how could all the religions could come together”.
He smiled and started with “we should all go for a lunch together”. And then he flawlessly with passion and spark in his eyes spoke about 3 basic values of life “Truth, love and compassion”. Constantly looking at me while answering he gave me special attention. With video camera in one hand trying to capture the moment (trying my best not to shake with excitement), and in another hand trying to be present in that moment itself was a big struggle. I was in Awe and all could do was smile and bow down in reverence.
Later the event organizer told me in surprise that Dalai Lama ji gave maximum time to me, making me feel flattered. I cried with joy and was too overwhelmed to shoot any further events. With the miracle I had just experienced I hurried to share this moment with my loved ones on phone, but couldn’t explain it as this moment could be just felt. It’s all a beautiful Omen.
In Bliss.

2005-07-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

05.07.05. Chinar.
A beautiful morning starts and I finally make my decision. How do I know it’s right? Because I get excited as I think about it. I am traveling, an extensive all India in 3 months. The goal is to meet people from all walks of life and ask them what do they think Sin & Zen is. From an artist, social worker, prostitute, politician, priest, rickshaw wallah, to any and everyone. Use camera as a paintbrush, let it go without holding back anything. Think it to be writing a diary with camera. Capture moments, capture life, and capture soul. Learn to see, beyond seeing. This is your moment, won’t get another so easily, so do your best and experience. Experience life and then after December you can take a break and take a job for a while. Think it as if you are doing internship under life itself. What better Guru then life? Surrender to the unknown and let the magic begin. Don’t worry about the results, do it for yourself, and the universe would reveal itself.
In unknown Revelation.

Chinar, Dharamshala

2005-07-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

04.07.05. Chinar. Dharamshala.
Choice! Like always, have to make one today. An important one. Either I go back tomorrow to Delhi and back to my hometown and try to finish “Little prince”(narrative feature film) or continue traveling for extensive 3 months making this “Sin & Zen” film. I have to commit to one, as by December I should take a job for a while. Both are ambiguous, and whatever I choose, I should do with complete dedication with no turning back. I ask God to give me a sign to help me make my decision and within half an hour I saw a movie poster of “Motor Cycle Diaries” playing in local video house in Mc Lodgunj. Saw the late night show 9-11 pm. I think heart is in traveling so might continue the journey also would sleep over the thought and would let it sink in. on 6th July its H.H Dalai lama ji’s birth day, there might be celebration but it will be difficult to see him, so I was lucky to see him yesterday. Hope to move on from here.
In moving.

2005-07-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

03.07.05. Mc Lodgunj. (H.P) [Chinar guest house, bhagusa]
H.H. Dalai lama smiled at me today. This felt so much like watching Mona Lisa painting, where ever you look it from it feels like she is watching you. In same way, when in the crowd of thousand monks, when I saw him from very near, for a fraction of moment I felt I had an eye contact with him and he smiled. A smile full is of compassion, love and child like. Very very rare.
Today was the 1st day in Dharamshala and I got a place in a hill top, surrounded with mountains, a small cottage, very inexpensive, truly a small heaven. 2 kms from Mc Lodgunj, in Bhagusa village called chinar soul home. True to its name, it takes a good long walk and climb; to go there but it’s all worth it. There doesn’t seem a possibility of interview with H.H Dalai lama at such a short notice. May be I should keep traveling without being caught up in outcome. More than the film the experience is incredible, or let it come whatever it may be.
In letting.

Haridwar

2005-07-01T05:18:00.000-07:00

01.07.05. Shanti Kunj Haridwar
“Beginner’s luck”, that’s what it is called, we are always lucky when we start a journey and then we are severely tested. Those who are fit survive, rest quit. It’s my 5th day today in Shanti Kunj Haridwar. For some reason I don’t like it. Not good energy. Its full of people everywhere, it’s supposed to be a Sadhna centre but I can hardly feel the space for it or may be I am wrong. It could be different kind of energy. Full of life a living meditation may be. But in short, for some reason I am not comfortable and look forward to go from here possibly to Dharamshala, my next stop. Dress code here is yellow/saffron dhoti kurta but does it affect the mind also. If God is in everything than why a particular color of dress, or a God. Seems like every organization or saints have made there own dress code. Intentions are good but is execution right? Is there a co-relation between words and deeds?
In creating co-relation.

Next to River

2005-06-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

30.06.05. Kankhal, Haridwar.
Why is it important to go on a pilgrimage? From Vivekananda to every saint, from Gandhi to Coelho, All went on a journey. Symbolically it could be journey to within. In order to better understand ourselves and then be of service to world. Sitting in the shade of a tree as I write this, looking at flowing Ganga and mountains far off, what better life could be? But we still keep looking; looking for something we ourselves don’t know. What takes to be a master or are there any? Its cool to take a journey, we all want it but we know it’s difficult, I am feeling it too. However I have no reason to do so. I got sufficient money, time and all I need is courage. That proves one thing, the universal truth, that we can all follow our dreams as long as we want it. We give different excuses of money, resources and duties but they are all secondary. But we all get hesitant when given the opportunity to follow our dreams, because we cant believe it can really come true so scared we step back and look at others who are walking and think with envy. “They are lucky”.
In being lucky.

2005-06-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

25.06.05. Himalaya Ashram.
This world could be divided into several ‘Wells’ .We like a frog get to choose are our own well .In Bilaspur everyone seems to talk about money and becomes materialistic well, in Sabarmati and around I witnessed social work well, In Himalayas here I see Godly spiritual well .So in short this entire world is one big well and consists within it several small well .We being the frogs decide the world according to our own well, And think everyone is like that. But again we are little superior frogs, as every well has a opening on top, thus we can choose to witness different wells (or worlds) but it takes lot of effort to go out of our own well as we become comfortable with it, and would not want to go out believing all well’s are same. Traveling to different wells is our dream, but since we are scared to follow it we think our well is our destiny.
In traveling different wells.

Kalyan Ashram

2005-06-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

23.06.05. Kalyan Ashram. Himalayas.
‘Kahan se aaye ho’ (where have you came from?). This is a general question everyone asks everyone here and then talk little bit about weather .It started raining since yesterday, so its cooler now. Time 5:15 pm, a Pundit from Kanpur is starting ‘Ram Katha’ in lawns.
Today I did my 1st interview with Kalyan baba. Started with touching his feet and bowing down to his experience & Karma.
Went on a walk at 4:30 am with him. I have also been taking part in evening prayers .I am starting to get comfortable with this place and people here, so now its time to move on being unattached to another unknown place. Pilgrimage is so good for soul .It teaches us to be humble, make direct contact with life, understanding that strangers are just friends we haven’t met and to move on with life.
In moving.

2005-06-22T04:54:00.000-07:00

22.06.05. Himalayas
I am here. Why? Yet to know. But I am here. From Haldwani it took 4 hrs in bus to reach ‘Dhol’ village .The driver dropped me in front of narrow path going down in mountains, saying ‘go straight you’ll find the Ashram. This is a short route’. With a heavy backpack and a camera box in my hand, I slowly went down, in the unknown path (There was hardly any path, symbolizing my real life) toward the deep woods .As predictable and natural it seem, I lost my way. And I wandered in faint path (possibly made by grazing cows). For a long time till I found a road which was going both ways. Which one to take?
Finally reached Himalaya Dev Sthan Ashram and met Kalyan baba, who had asked me to come here when I was in Bilaspur. This was all yesterday. Today and now I am sitting next to the Temple in the ashram, thinking where to go from here? Again in front of road going both ways.

In Ahmdebad (Sughad).

2005-06-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

09.06.05 In Ahmdebad (Sughad).
When there’s a calling you go .You don’t know why but you just go. Going in unknown has always been exciting. But society trains us to fear any kind of excitement and consider it as a sin .We all want it but we dare it .To dare is to let go of all belief and trust in universe. Who am I? What’s my role in universe? Where do I go? All evergreen questions and lot of intellectual answers. But answer is within us in a form of a question. What is Sin what is Zen, all relative different state of mind .Why do I want to make films, or for matter anything? I have to give that answer, however difficult it may be. Everything is interesting so we choose to what we resonate .We don’t do it for others but for ourselves. Once we accept this selfish desire, we become selfless.

Khwaab DVD Released

2005-05-18T06:53:00.000-07:00

khwaab poster2
Originally uploaded by kreativedreams.

"Khwaab" is a story of an Individual's search for self-acceptance. ADITYA, a 26-year-old successful computer engineer, working in California, is miserable with his promotion and social expectations. His quest leads him to meet his own physical manifestation, MEL, who inspires him to follow his dream of becoming a filmmaker. Breaking all the social barriers, Aditya embarks into a journey from a film school to meeting a manipulative producer. To his rude shock he realizes that reality is harder than he had imagined. He gave up everything he had to live the choices he made in life. Was it worth it?

DVD contents:
2 Disc pack containing film and lot of special features (Making video, stills, filmmakers scrapbook and Misc short movies )

Cost: $ 18

Pls send us an email to request your copy: injourney@gmail.com

Website: www.khwaabmovie.com

Calling

2005-05-17T05:03:00.000-07:00

17.05.05
Going to Himalayas? Should be exciting why? Would know .We know we have to follow our dreams, but what they are sometimes became blur .I want to become a film maker but not Am I now .To be is God to become is human. Said a saint from Matar in Gujarat .So here I be, be a filmmaker and be a dreamer. Dream to go beyond dreams, in being what I have never been, feel which I have never known .Why Am I making this trip? Did I always want to do this? Or is it just a kick? Or something is waiting? Or there’s nothing to wait as everything is in Now, as again just ‘To be is God’. So we have to go and nowhere to go, we have to dream that our soul has already dreamt, we have to feel which we are already doing now.
So just ‘BE’

Samanvay DVD released

2005-04-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

samanvay poster
Originally uploaded by kreativedreams.

Samanvay..that's the name of his ashram. He describes it as a balance of science and spirituality.
Dedicating 50 years of his life for the poorest people in India, running a school for the untouchables, living on the principles of not asking money yet running projects worth millions, non attached with everything yet attached with whole humanity that's Dwarko Sundrani, one of the last active disciple of Mahatma Gandhi. Today at the Age of 83 , he runs an ashram in Bodhgaya, India, the sacred place where Buddha got his enlightment.

This film is an effort to reflect his spirit of service and get a glimpse of how, his journey for the search of truth began.

Pls: Send me an email (injourney@gmail.com) if you would like a copy of the DVD. The pack contains 2 disc ,one with movie and another with extra interview footages and special features. There's no fixed cost, you give what u feel. The proceeds goes towards distributing this film.

2005-02-21T04:57:00.000-08:00

21.02.05 Manav sadhna, Sabarmati Ashram Ahmedabad

It’s already been 4 days I came here. Why? Is unknown. Nipun, Guri, Mark & John from Charity Focus came for an open end journey to India. Me trying to finish Dwarkoji’s film to present it on Thursday. What after that?
Manav Sadhna seems to be a cool organization. Idea is not to be bound by an organization but a concept. The concept to spread love wherever we are. It’s like flowing water .You try to tap it and it gets bad .Our life is like that too. Free spirit, try to put a mask and you’ll suffocate. Love, Truth, Non Violence; 3 biggest messages which consists his whole life. We follow this and we reach nearest to God itself.

2004-12-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

Ashram:

2004-12-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Dwarkoji:
To save power, dwarkoji prefer to read in natural light

2004-12-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

Sitting with Buddha, in hope to get some light.

2004-12-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

You are from San Francisco? Iam from there too! Thats how we met in the internet cafe and became very good friends. Bryan came from SF to study Buddhism in bodhgaya and in centre is mahendra ji who owns the internet cafe and is also a dear friend.

2004-12-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

Lord Vishnu:
12 km from bodhgaya is Gaya city. It is famous for a Vishnu temple where Hindus from all over India come to perform rituals after the death of someone in the family. It is believed that the dead person gets moksha if his relative performs rituals here.

2004-12-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

Doctors:
Principal eye doctors who came from Gujarat to dedicate their time in eye camp for free. They conduct approx 50 operations each per day, for continuous one month.

2004-12-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

Mahabodhi temple: Its the main temple in bodhgaya. Behind it stands the tree under which Buddha got his enlightenment.

2004-12-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

During an event when Buddhist youths from around the world were gathered.

2004-12-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Teachers: roopchandji and promod ji in their room in ashram.

2004-12-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

kids and roopchand ji. He teaches and also works in farms with kids.

Mahabodhi temple, Bodhgaya

2004-12-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

Me posing for the camera to show off that I was working in farms with kids :)

It’s 5.15 pm, I am sitting on the steps of “mucalinda lake”. There is a statue of Buddha in centre of lake with sheshnag (a snake) protecting him from storms, wind & rain. It’s a beautiful place for meditation; lake is filled with fish, surrounded by lush green trees and sounds of birds chirping. It’s a tourist place so it’s distracting with constant visitors.
I was suppose to start shooting today but couldn’t. As always start is always difficult. I worked in farms today with other kids in Ashram. Within an hour I was tired but I came closer with kids. They kept asking me my name and were excited to see me working with them. Navratri festival is going on. My eyeglasses just fell down in the lake; luckily it wasn’t far so I could take it out. It’s still not clear where my future is, but as always I am sure there is a reason for me being in bodhgaya and doing this film. There is a pattern which is slowly unfolding.
In patterns of life.

2004-12-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

In tune with himself.

2004-12-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Fighting with love. parmanand is on extreme right

2004-12-07T02:01:00.000-08:00

In ashram: Dwarkoji sits here most of time during the day...reading newspaper and meeting people.

2004-12-07T01:59:00.000-08:00

children loved to see what I recorded..showing them camera.

2004-12-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

with dwarkoji and shri hari

Journey to Bodhgaya

2004-12-02T09:25:00.000-08:00

In search of questions
So how did it all begin? How come I find myself now in India leaving behind a possibility of a lucrative career in America? Is it a calling or an Illusion? Destiny will reveal it later. All I know now is that we are all living in the world of Illusions, so why not choose our own illusion.
After finishing KHWAAB (www.khwaabmovie.com) my first feature film in America, I found myself detached with it and a huge emptiness took over making me ask questions of “Why I wanted to be a story teller” Desperately looking for answers in books and from friends, I forgot for a moment that the highest truth is nowhere outside but deep within our soul. So after 6 months of restless ness, I decided to go on a journey to meet life and ask her more questions. With the help of Meghna, Nipun and other close friends in a family called charity focus.org, an idea was developed to make a documentary series on inspiring people who have chose to become the change they wish to see in the world. People who have applied scientific approach in their spiritual life and dedicated it for humanity.
There is a universal rule that you are always severely tested when you follow your dream. My first test was, I didn’t have a proper camera to document this story. Estimated cost was around 3000 $ and like a classic wannabe artist, I didn’t had money.
There is an old Zen quote “Jump and the net would appear”, so without money I started making plans of my trip. I knew in my heart that this trip is going to happen but how was not clear. Reality used to shake my belief sometimes but then I kept dreaming and then one day, just few days before I was leaving for India, I receive this big packet in my house with meghna and mine name on it. And inside was a beautiful, Canon Gl-2, very high quality video camera with all accessories and NO NAME. Yes, some body just dropped it without any name or address. But he did left his signature, which was a very beautiful card with a smiling face and a quote printed on it from my favorite book Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It said, “ When you really want some thing the whole universe conspires to help you”
I cried feeling the warmth of this love and in complete awe I left for India on 2nd October, (birth date of Mahatma Gandhi) to make a documentary on Dwarkoji, one of the last active disciple of Gandhi ji.
Although knowing that I may not be able to return to America as my visa was expiring after few months, I followed the omens of universe. After spending few days with my family, I setoff for Bodhgaya in Bihar State where dwarko ji has an ashram. Bodhgaya is famous for the mahabodhi tree under which prince Siddhartha got his enlightenment and became Buddha.

Journey had begun; traveling from my hometown Bilaspur to Gaya took 20 hours. Gandhi ji’s autobiography book was a good companion throughout.
I was hoping to take a taxi to Boddh Gaya, which is 13 km’s from Gaya station. I didn’t expected any one as I hadn’t told any one about my travel plans in Ashram except the date I was coming. But as I walked inside the crowded station, I saw Dwarkoji coming in…..he had just dropped in, hoping to see me….in awe I felt the arrangement of life.

It’s very difficult to put in words what heart felt at those moments in ashram, but in order to reflect its true spirit I would like to share my paper journal, which I wrote while I was there. It feels vulnerable to share this so please excuse my naive ness if you find any error in this description.

17th Oct Samanway Ashram
Today it was 2nd day in the Ashram. I got up at 4.30 am with the sound of children prayer from next room. Kids here get up at 4.00 am. Thus I felt guilty of missing morning prayer. I had my bath by 5.30 am, most probably earliest till now in my life. Water was cold but it felt good later. After break fast I got a chance to go to villages and see the basic human problems. The roads we went through were almost close to none. There’s so much to write but I am already feeling tired of today’s journey. Shail didi would be living tomorrow. We became good friends in short time. She showed me a yogasen today that left a good feeling at the end and when I was about to open my eyes in end, for a moment I saw Lord Vishnu and then when I put my hands over my eyes I saw feet of Buddha in each eye. She said it was a good omen and I have good energy.
Amen

18th Oct 2004.
Today again I got up at 5.00 am, after prayer I got a chance to talk to Dwarko ji for about 3 hrs. Every moment was blissful. At the age of 83 yrs, his spirit seems indominatable he speaks less yet understand everything, you instantly feel you are before a saint. He believes in action more than talks, meditation for him is moment to moment awareness, rest all is a form of entertainment for rich. At first impression his Ashram seems very basic and simple, Children here are from poorest families of Harijan caste. He meets every one with same love and respect; it doesn’t let you feel that you are sitting before a very important person. He lives his life on what he believes, a true Gandhian. Right now I am sitting before him as I write these words. He is reading newspaper, and he laughs over expenses on Durga pooja. People are coming on and off with their problems. He is no doubt a saint, a true karma yogi.
In Awe

19th Oct 2004.
It’s 8.00 am, just came from temple. It’s started to get cold. Despite of my mom’s warning I didn’t keep any warm clothes, which I regret now. Heat from sun on my face feels good. Today again I got up with the sound of prayer at about 4.30 am. There is a black cat sitting next to me in ground, it’s funny as when I came here in Ashram 3 days back, she came and sat on my lap. I never liked cats and pets, but when she came I had no option but to pat her and it felt free.
Today again I sat with Dwarko ji after prayer. He asked me “what was my aim in life”. I was bit uncertain to answer and tried to intellectualize my answer to which he explained me: Brahma sat yam, jagat sfurti, jeevnam satya shodhanam.
Which means God is truth, this world is manifestation of God, and our aim should be, to search for truth.
In search

20th Oct. Mahabodhi temple, bodhgaya
It’s 5.15 pm, I am sitting on the steps of “mucalinda lake”. There is a statue of Buddha in centre of lake with sheshnag (a snake) protecting him from storms, wind & rain. It’s a beautiful place for meditation; lake is filled with fish, surrounded by lush green trees and sounds of birds chirping. It’s a tourist place so it’s distracting with constant visitors.
I was suppose to start shooting today but couldn’t. As always start is always difficult. I worked in farms today with other kids in Ashram. Within an hour I was tired but I came closer with kids. They kept asking me my name and were excited to see me working with them. Navratri festival is going on. My eyeglasses just fell down in the lake; luckily it wasn’t far so I could take it out. It’s still not clear where my future is, but as always I am sure there is a reason for me being in bodhgaya and doing this film. There is a pattern which is slowly unfolding.
In patterns of life.

26th Oct.
Sitting at the tea shop, around 5pm. I have been restless for some reason for last 2-3 days. Meghna immediately sensed it when I spoke to her today. She has amazing instincts about me. It was overwhelming in ashram. Seems like very few people agree with the principles of dwarkoji. Especially the harijans (schedule caste), he dedicated his life for don’t acknowledge him. As I was writing these lines a gujrati doctor from camp came and sat next to me. He too started talking about the approach of ashram. He boasted that if eye camp weren’t there the ashram would have been closed long back. I smiled at his arrogance and ignorance. Didn’t want to argue but to just listen. Bhaiji (dwarkoji) said the same thing again and again of line of Jesus “ god forgive them as they don’t know what they are doing”. He also suggested the title of film “which way lies the hope” answer to which he confidently replied “Gandhi”.
Few mins back I was in prayer with kids and an idea came. ‘ Why not show this film and other films as my personal diary’. Without making any conclusions, to be just honest and in search. Being a journal it will be honest, personal thus vulnerable.
The more I stay here, more conflicts I see. Amazingly dwarkoji knows all about this, he is aware about what people think about him and his method. He feels their reluctance and negativity yet naively, faithfully and firmly he believes that there is no other way for humanity to survive than Gandhi’s way of non-violence. Not only of actions but also a way of life. He without a doubt believes that gandhiji was 500 years before his time thus a time will come when his ideas will be practiced as there won’t be any other way. Right or wrong I don’t know but I can’t help admiring dwarkoji’s innocent conviction and faith on 3 basic values of life: Love, compassion and truth.
In abiding these values.

29th Oct. 7.15am Ashram
“What is the aim of your life?” Dwarkoji had asked me few days back to write on this and give it to him. I haven’t done it yet. He explained, “search of truth should be the aim and in that process rest (like filmmaking) should happen. Filmmaking or any other work is means towards that ‘end’ which is ‘truth or moksha’
Moksha means destroying of want (moh ka kshay). He also told about ahanta and mamta i.e. we should not be proud and arrogant about any thing at the same time not to be attached to any particular thing. As all have to go one day. This is the supreme truth. Bhagwad Gita says it too that work but don’t desire for its fruit.
When I asked dwarkoji “who is going to take care of your ashram after you” he simply replied, “I don’t know”. I was surprised to realize that here is a person, 83 years old, dedicated 50 years of his life to build this place, this ashram from nothing, and is not bit attached with it.
In non-attachment.

30th Oct Samanway, Bodh Gaya.
4:10pm, as I write this I can hear children practicing to recite their prayers.
I finished a major part of shoot today of school. Interview of Dwarko ji was done successfully. By now I am good friends with kids, especially I liked one kid Parmanand although I try not to do partial behavior towards any one.
Dwarko ji wanted me to stay in Ashram and take care of all my expenses if I make documentary on the schedule caste tribe, however I feel the urge now to travel. See different point of view and learn more about life. Right or wrong, good or bad should not matter. Every one I meet has its own unique point of view and they try hard to convince me but as an artist or seeker our effort should be open to all, without any conclusions without any self impose idea.
It’s 8 pm now. I was about to go to sleep when I realized in next room, the elder kids were still awake. When I peeped in I saw them reading Stardust (film magazine) and then on my request they started singing their tribal song. It was refreshing to see their free spirit without attached to any rules.
In free spirit

31st Oct Bodh Gaya , Maha bodhi temple, 8 pm.
I am sitting on the shade of the Bodhi tree as I write this. Tree under which Siddhartha become budh (truth). It’s a huge tree and surprisingly it sustained more than 2000 years. How much this tree must have witnessed. What would have been to be this tree? There is a beautiful temple built next to it.
I was looking for a leaf from this tree and I could find none around it as it is kept clean. So I said to myself “If I am lucky and have the blessings of Budh I will get one”, so I sat down to write this page and within few minutes I saw one leaf falling from the bodhi tree in the inner sacred compound, I thought I won’t get it as the doors are locked but when I got up I saw it was very close to the door and I could easily pick it up. It’s in my hands now and will keep it in the same page of my diary.
There are constant visitors here from different countries and you could hear sounds of chanting mixed with birds chirping. It’s fascinating to see the remaining of the temple and to imagine the time when it was built.
In imagination.

16th Nov. 4:45pm, Garden in Bodhi temple
Came back from Diwali vacation yesterday. I was with my parents for 5 days. I had so many stories to share but seemed like nobody was interested. For a while felt stranger in my home. My grand father who is very simple and spiritual person would have been exited to know more, but he was in different village with my uncle. Papa was worried I was turning like my grandfather by bringing my needs low and life simple. Heart is not sad though as I am feeling the infinite love of my family and anyways conflicts are always good as they make stories more interesting.
From tomorrow, eye camp is starting. Approx. 22000 people would be treated during one month, free of cost. Mahesh Bhansali ji who is the main donor of this 15 million rupees project has already came to serve with his team of doctors and 1000 volunteers & staff from Gujarat state. He’s been doing this for last 20 years and had promised Dwarkoji that he will continue it as long Dwarko ji is alive and is done under his supervision. A promise for life.
In promise.

18th Nov.4: 10pm Saman way Ashram.
I realized that once you have seen the light, it’s difficult then to close your eyes and assume that there’s darkness everywhere. You are no more the same person. Experience has changed you.
I cannot possibly imagine the joy; Dwarkoji is getting with this selfless service. If I were lucky enough to even get a glimpse of it, my life would be changed forever.
Eye camp started yesterday, with no formal speeches, no garlands, no ceremonies and ribbons, but just with prayer sung by children from the Ashram. Mahesh Bhansaliji, who is the main donor of the eye camp and has been doing this 15 million rupees projected for last 20 years, did not even speak anything on this occasion. He was nearly invisible in the crowd. That reminds me of a quote by Vinoba ji told to me by Dwarko ji.
As the 3 blades of ceiling fans becomes invisible when switched on, so thus all the great people who truly dedicate their lives for service. Visibility can be sometimes hindrance in their work.
In invisibility.

20th Nov. 10:10 pm. My room, Ashram.
“Mahatma”, it must have been very difficult for Gandhi ji to live with this title. If you achieve greatness, people make you superhuman and then all your mistakes are perceived as a sin.
Some people here do criticize Dwarko ji for being naive and over looking some problems here in ashram, some show lack of trust in his method of teaching, as they don’t find it practical. Everybody has reason to complain but nobody has the conviction and courage to do the work he is doing, to dedicate his life for the poorest and untouchables, to live like a saint and work like a labor, to be detached with his life and yet attached with whole humanity, yes it takes a naive heart to do so, and to believe that one day all humans would rise and become one.
As a lotus blossoms in dirty water, so does all the great people in conflicts. As Jesus, Gandhi ji and many many more were not spared for their beliefs, so does Dwarko ji. But yet he still strives every day to make a heart smile.
In smile

21st Nov. 6:05 am, Mahaboddhi temple.
I am leaving for home today. I have completed my shoot, although heart never gets satisfied, as there’s always a possibility to shoot more. Hope I am not missing anything at the same time I know there’s always something left behind to not make it perfect, as that’s what makes us human.As I write this I am sitting in front of Buddha statue inside the main temple.

I had again got up today to take part in Ashram prayer at 5:30 am. Today they sung the prayer “We shall over come..” (In Hindi)

Soft sounds of chanting can be heard as Monks are doing their morning rituals. I have to take some pickup shots in eye camp before I leave. As I was roaming near the bodhi tree, I thought of looking at the leaf I got here. I opened this journal to see it but to my surprise I didn’t find it. It was gone. I was sad for a moment but then I realized that it was a message and the supreme truth from him.

Moksh, not to be attached, simply let go.
In Moksh

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